The Jeeves Omnibus

Read The Jeeves Omnibus for Free Online Page B

Book: Read The Jeeves Omnibus for Free Online
Authors: P. G. Wodehouse
Tags: Fiction, Literary, General, Literature & Fiction, Classics, Humour, Classic
was about to remark, if what you say is really so, be prepared for tidings of great joy. I’m a pretty close observer, and a certain bulbous look in the old boy’s eyes when a recent conversation happened to turn in your direction has convinced me that he is deeply enamoured of you.’
    She wiggled her shoulder impatiently, and in a rather peevish manner hoofed a passing earwig with a shapely foot.
    ‘I know that, you chump. Do you think a girl can’t tell?’
    I was frankly nonplussed.
    ‘Well, if he loves you and you love him, I fail to comprehend what you are beefing about.’
    ‘Why can’t you understand? He’s obviously dippy about me, but not a yip from him.’
    ‘He will not speak?’
    ‘Not a syllable.’
    ‘Well, why would he? Surely you realize that there is a certain decency in these matters, a certain decorum? Naturally he wouldn’t say anything yet. Dash it, give the man a chance. He’s only known you five days.’
    ‘I sometimes feel that he was a king in Babylon when I was a Christian slave.’
    ‘What makes you think that?’
    ‘I just do.’
    ‘Well, you know best, of course. Very doubtful, I should have said myself. And, anyway, what do you want me to do about it?’
    ‘Well, you’re a friend of his. You could give him a hint. You could tell him there’s no need for cold feet –’
    ‘It is not cold feet. It is delicacy. As I just explained, we men have our code in these matters. We may fall in love pretty nippily, but after that we consider it decorous to back-pedal a while. We are the parfait gentle knights, and we feel that it ill beseems us to make a beeline for a girl like a man charging into a railway restaurant for a bowl of soup. We –’
    ‘What utter nonsense! You asked me to marry you after you had known me two weeks.’
    ‘Ah, but there you were dealing with one of the Wild Woosters.’
    ‘Well, I can’t see –’
    ‘Yes?’ I said. ‘Proceed. You have our ear.’
    But she was looking past me at something to the south-east; and, turning, I perceived that we were no longer alone.
    There, standing in an attitude of respectful courtliness, with the sunshine playing upon his finely-chiselled features, was Jeeves.

5
----
Bertie Takes Things in Hand
    I NODDED AFFABLY . This man and I might have severed our professional relations, but a Wooster is always debonair.
    ‘Ah, Jeeves.’
    ‘Good afternoon, sir.’
    Pauline appeared interested.
    ‘Is this Jeeves?’
    ‘This is Jeeves.’
    ‘So you don’t like Mr Wooster’s banjolele?’
    ‘No, miss.’
    I preferred that this delicate matter be not discussed, and it may be, in consequence, that I spoke a little curtly.
    ‘Well, Jeeves? What is it?’
    ‘Mr Stoker, sir. He is inquiring after Miss Stoker’s whereabouts.’
    Well, of course, there’s always that old one about them being at the wash, but this seemed to me neither the time nor the place. I turned to the girl with an air of courteous dismissal.
    ‘You’d better push along.’
    ‘I suppose so. You won’t forget what I said?’
    ‘The matter,’ I assured her, ‘shall have my prompt attention.’
    She legged it, and Jeeves and I were alone together in the great solitude. I lit a cigarette nonchalantly.
    ‘Well, Jeeves.’
    ‘Sir?’
    ‘I mean to say, we meet again.’
    ‘Yes, sir.’
    ‘Philippi, what?’
    ‘Yes, sir.’
    ‘I hope you’re getting on all right with Chuffy?’
    ‘Everything is most pleasant, sir. I trust your new personal attendant is giving satisfaction?’
    ‘Oh, quite. A sterling fellow.’
    ‘I am extremely gratified to hear it, sir.’
    There was a pause.
    ‘Er, Jeeves,’ I said.
    A rummy thing. It had been my intention, after exchanging these few civilities, to nod carelessly and leave the fellow. But it’s so dashed difficult to break the habit of years. I mean to say, here was I and here was Jeeves, and a problem had been put up to me of just the type concerning which I had always been wont to seek his advice and

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