see. The thought of living with these constant visions for any length of time made me wish Tolleck would be quiet and let them hang me.
âDrink this, Pest,â said Kith, putting a glass against my chattering teeth.
I swallowed, tasting apples and poppy juice.
âShe needs rest. My homeâs just around the corner, and that lot wonât bother me.â It was Cantierâs voice, rough and unmistakable.
I WOKE UP ABRUPTLY, STARTLED BY THE STRANGE SURROUNDINGSâTHOUGH when I gave myself a moment to really look around, I realized I was lying on a makeshift pallet in the main room of Cantierâs house, which smelled faintly of fish. It was dark but for the banked embers in the fireplace. From the loft overhead came the soft sounds of sleeping bodies. I wondered how heâd talked his wife into allowing me here.
By the darkness and by the silence of the streets, it was sometime past midnight. I was still wearing my dress, but it took me a moment to find my boots. As quietly as I could, I let myself out the door and into the street.
T HE HOME I SOUGHT WAS MY PARENTSâ HOUSE RATHER than my own. I needed to cling to something familiar, somewhere safe. The house was dark and empty when I got there. I had nothing to light my way into the interior, so I fumbled my way into the main room.
Maâs bride chest was highlighted in the faint wisp of moonlight leaking through the broken oilskin of the main window. Someone had taken an axe to it, leaving its contents scattered on the floor. I wondered if it was the same man who destroyed the furniture in my home, or if the raiders specialized in hacking helpless furniture to bits.
There was blood on the floor, and I lost the humor Iâd been trying to summon. I turned away. A blanket lay in a rumpled heap in the corner of the room. I snatched it up and wrapped myself in it, though I didnât believe anything could make me warm again. I sat in the corner where the blanket had been and stared into the night.
I STAYED AT THE HOUSE UNTIL LATE MORNING, GATHERING what I could use from the things the raiders had left. There wasnât much. The house had been stripped of food, weapons, and anything anyone could use to pack things in: sacks, baggage, backpacks, even bedsheets. I donât know how the blanket Iâd used came to be overlooked.
I found an assortment of Caulemâs clothing. Fatherâs clothes were gone. I folded my brother-by-marriageâs shirts and pants carefully and left them beside the remains of his cot. Perhaps his parents would want them.
My hands stopped as I folded the last pair of pants. I was tall for a woman, though skinny. Caulem had been a growing boy, almost as tall as he would have been as a man, but thinner. Caulemâs pants would fit me.
I stood and stripped my clothing as quickly as I could, exchanging it for boyâs trousers and a loose-fitting shirt. I had to tighten the drawstrings around my ankles and waist, and fold back the sleeves. The shirt, which had come to Caulemâs hips, hit me just above the knee. I belted it to keep it out of my way. His boots were too big, but mine would work.
The boyâs clothes made me different from the silly woman who believed in happy-forever endings. The woman whoâd killed her husband because sheâd tried too hard to be like everyone else.
It occurred to me that I was more than a little crazy. If the priest could have seen me running to my cottage and slipping through the shelves into the cellar, he might not have been so quick to defend me.
Over several days, the dark enclosure of the cellar became my shelter against the world. I left the main floor as it was, covered with the scattered remnants of my life. Like some half-mad animal I cowered in the dark of the earth, leaving its embrace only at night.
I couldnât run from the visions, for they came to me no matter how hard I tried to hold them away. They came with sound more often than