sitting in the middle of Wolfgangâs, a high-end steak restaurant on Park Avenue and Thirty-Third Street, and the entréeâsteak for three, medium rare, extra charâhas just arrived. His dinner companions are the hedge fundâs two biggest investors: Michael Ross, who heads the capital investment group at Maeve Grant, the sixth-largest investment bank in the world, and Isaac Goldenberg, the octogenarian casino magnate, who views investing with Jonathan as just another form of gambling. Neither of them is going to want to hear that the guy who monitors the fundâs position is in a full-blown panic.
âCan I call you right back?â Jonathan says to Haresh.
âIâm sorry,â Jonathan says to his dinner companions, getting up. âItâs my wife. Iâll only be a minute.â
Ross raises a fist and flicks his wrist while making the pussy-whipped sound. Goldenberg chuckles at that and helps himself to more steak.
Itâs raining outside. Not a driving storm, but more than a drizzle, so Jonathan takes shelter under Wolfgangâs awning. The combination of the wind and the fact that the overhang is not very wide results in Jonathan getting pretty wet, so heâs hoping that this will be a short conversation, and that the steak will still be warm when he returns.
âOkay, Haresh. I can talk now. Whatâs the problem?â
His second-in-command says the gibberish words again. Kurtosis and heteroscedasticity .
âGoddammit, Haresh. I get that thereâs a volatility issue. What I donât get is why youâre calling me about it. Thereâs always volatility somewhere in the position.â
Jonathan can hear Haresh sigh. âYou know what a tail is, right?â he says.
Jonathan hates it when Haresh talks to him like heâs a second grader, although he likely deserves it for talking to Haresh like heâs an idiot, which he most certainly is not.
âYeah,â Jonathan says sharply. âWhat normal people call the variation of risk, you guys in the bull pen refer to as tails.â
âRight,â Haresh says, apparently with no recognition that Jonathan is being short. âItâs because thatâs how the position shows up on a chart as deviating from the mean. We expect a small amount of deviation, but it should be negligible. Maybe .03 percent. But when the distribution is farther away from the standard deviation, it shows up on the chart as the tail getting fatter.â
âHaresh, Iâve got a hundred billion bucks sitting inside eating steak, and Iâm standing here in the rain, so Iâd really appreciate it if you get to the point already. And in English , please.â
âOur tail is fat as fuck.â
Haresh had these Chicken Little moments from time to time. Jonathan had come to believe that his second fancied himself as the lookout man on the Titanic , the last set of eyes that could avoid catastrophe on the horizon.
Jonathan, however, prides himself on being a man who exhibits grace under pressure. The one who keeps his head while those around him are losing theirs.
âSo . . . the gap is widening,â Jonathan says with an air of calm. âBig fucking deal. Itâll close eventually. I mean, the sun is still rising in the east, right? We increase our position and then weâll maximize our profit when the alignment hits?â
Silence on the other end, which means that Haresh disagrees. Finally, Haresh says, âWeâre overleveraged, Jonathan. Itâs already nearly three to one.â
This slows Jonathan down. The fund can only generate its outsize returns if it borrows heavily, leveraging the cash on hand so that it can put far more capital in the market than the money actually entrusted to the fund by its investors. The problem was that borrowing more than three bucks for every one dollar invested exceeded the modelâs protocol, rendering the fund overly