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the whole chicken.

    A guy takes his wife to the Doctor. The Doc says, “Well, it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS.”
    “What do you mean?” the guy says. “You can’t tell the difference?”
    “Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages. Tell you what, drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don’t fuck her.”

    A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the hood.
    “Leave it with me,” says the mechanic. “Come back in 20 minutes.”
    So, off goes the penguin. It’s a pretty hot day and he’s a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren’t very good at eating ice creams—the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.
    “Oh, hello,” says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.
    “Hello,” replies the penguin. “Was it anything serious?”
    “Not really, but it looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
    “Oh no, no, no!” says the penguin, wiping his mouth. “It’s just ice cream.”

    A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parents’ bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway muttering to himself, “And she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb.”

    Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
    Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
    “I don’t believe you,” replies Dolly.
    “It’s true, no bull!”

    Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
    A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

    A man wakes up one morning with the worst hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
    He looks around the room to find his clothes are neatly folded on the dresser with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note that says, “Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.”
    Downstairs, he finds his favorite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee waiting for him, along with the morning paper and his 15-year-old son who is finishing his own breakfast.
    “Tell me, son,” he asks, “what happened last night?”’
    “Well,” says the boy, “you came home so drunk you didn’t even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when mom tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.”
    “Christ!” says the man. “Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?”
    “When mom dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your pants off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, ‘Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I’m married!’”

    Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
    A. When he’s got his head up a fairy’s skirt, then he’s a goblin.

    A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.
    “What happened to you?” asked his wife.
    “I’ll never understand women,” he replied. “I was riding up an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!”
    “I can certainly appreciate that,” said the wife. “But how did you get the second black eye?”
    “Well, I figured she liked it that way,” said the husband, “so I pushed it back in.”

    It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, sleeveless pink spring dress with straps. As they walk