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woods and sleeping in it, while outside a campfire crackles merrily and frightens away all man-eating wildlife.
    When he was younger, Seb loved camping more than anything in the world. Until he was fourteen or so, every single weekend he would beg and beg until my dad took him and Lex camping. I guess Lex liked it too. Then! Suddenly! After an “incident” involving Lex accidentally dropping an Italian wall lizard into the fire, Seb decided that he would no longer be participating. That nicely put an end to that, as I’m sure you can imagine.
    I want really, really badly to go camping. But Mom hates camping. And it’s not like I’d go alone with Dad and Seb and Lex, even if they still went. Ew. And Freddie Blue says she’d rather set herself on fire and hurl her burning body into a pool filled with wood before she’d ever camp. Ergo, 38 I never have to (or get to) camp. So I guess I will never know if I’m a fun, outdoorsy girl who loves to commune with nature in the woods or a girly-girl who shrieks at the sight of a mosquito.
    Sad, really.
    See also
Adventure; Autism.
Celebrities
    People who other people idolize due to their appearance or other­wise questionable “accomplishments.”
    My brothers, Seb and Lex, are celebrities! OR NOT.
    They were in
one commercial
for Gap, not an Oscar-­winning performance in the Most Loved Movie of Our Time! I should also add that there were 150 other kids in the ad and you could only see Lex and Seb if you really looked, which I did, and then instantly wished that I hadn’t, as I’ve seen quite enough of Lex and Seb already, and seeing them grinning maniacally in snowflake-patterned sweaters did nothing to endear them to me at all.
    Freddie Blue probably will be a celebrity one day. She’s just that kind of a person, the kind of person who was made to be famous. She already
looks
famous. I would rather be famous for being smart than pretty, actually, so maybe there is hope for me still.
    See also
Aaron-Martin, Sasha Alexei (Lex); Aaron-­Martin, Sebastian (Seb); Anderson, Freddie Blue.
Cell Phones
    Technological wonders that allow you to make phone calls, send texts, watch YouTube videos, and play addictive video games from any location in the world!
    Fact #1: I do not have a cell phone.
    Fact #2: Lex has a cell phone.
    Fact #3: Seb has a cell phone. 39
    Fact #4: Mom has a cell phone.
    Fact #5: Dad has a cell phone.
    Fact #6: They have a family plan.
    Fact #7: I am part of this family too.
    Important Conclusion!: IT DOES NOT PAY TO BE THE YOUNGEST.
Coffee
    Hot drink containing caffeine that smells much, much better than it tastes.
    Public Service Announcement!: Coffee-flavored ice cream, which tastes like coffee smells, is delicious. Actual coffee, which smells like coffee-flavored ice cream tastes, is not. Do not try it, unless you enjoy the flavor of ashes and burned water searing the top layer of skin from your tongue.
    â€œI’m exhausted,” Mom groaned when she came home from work this morning. 40 “Tink, I’ll give you ten dollars to make me a pot of coffee and some eggs. Where’s your dad? What a crazy night. Seven babies! Why do I do this job? I’m so tired. What time is it?” She yawned so wide I could see her fillings and her tongue. Tongues are the weirdest parts of the body, I think. It’s like having a pink slug dwelling permanently in your mouth.
    â€œUm, OK,” I said. “It’s eleven thirty.”
    â€œUh,” she said, and staggered out of the room.
    I set about making the coffee, which entailed pouring beans into the top of the machine and turning it on. My parents worship coffee, so the machine is actually plumbed (Dad’s specialty!) directly into the water pipes and filtered and whatnot while the beans are programmed to be ground to some specifically perfect consistency. I could hear the shower going in the other room and Mom singing, something she denies