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all.’
    The face entered Jonny’s room. It entered upon a head, which was secured at the neck to a body, to which in turn two pairs of standard appendages were attached. The entire ensemble was of the female persuasion. The young and sightly female persuasion.
    Jonny looked up from his bed as the figure entered his room. It
was
a sightly figure and no mistake about it. Short black hair and bright-green eyes and the sweetest nose imaginable, the—
    ‘Have to stop you there,’ said the nurse, for such was she.
    ‘Stop me where?’ asked Jonny.
    ‘You were looking at my nose and you were smiling foolishly.’
    ‘It’s a very sw—’
    ‘Please don’t say it.’
    ‘Sweet?’
    ‘You said it,’ said the nurse. ‘The bane of my life, this nose. You can’t imagine what trouble it gets me into.’
    ‘No,’ said Jonny. ‘I don’t think I can.’
    ‘What about my mouth?’ asked the nurse.
    ‘Very nice,’ said Jonny. ‘Very silent-film star, that mouth, rather Theda Bara, in fact.’
    ‘And my tits?’ The nurse drew back her shoulders and thrust her breasts forward.
    ‘Very nice, too,’ said Jonny. ‘Very pert.’
    ‘I’ve nice legs as well and a nice bum. And I have a tattoo on my bum.’
    ‘This is all very good to hear,’ said Jonny, who now was most perplexed. ‘You are actually a nurse here, I suppose, not a patient.’
    ‘You naughty boy. I am Nurse Hollywood. I
was
a patient, but that was years ago. I am now a fully qualified nurse, and I can assure you that there is a great deal more to me than a sweet nose.’
    ‘I’m sure there is,’ said Jonny. ‘We’ve already touched upon the tits and the bum.’
    ‘We’ll take this no further,’ said Nurse Hollywood. ‘I
am
more than just a sweet nose and that is that.’
    Jonny felt that this was probably very much the case, as women who boast of having tattooed bums the first time you meet them are probably, as they say, ‘up for it’.
    ‘Oh,’ said Nurse Hollywood, ‘and don’t you go getting any ideas about me being up for it just because I mentioned that I have a tattoo on my bum.’
    ‘As if I would,’ said Jonny. ‘Could you tell me where my clothes are, please?’
    ‘I could,’ said the nurse, ‘but I won’t. There’d be no point as you will not be allowed to wear them for a while. You’re having tests this morning.’
    ‘Are you here to test me?’
    ‘No,’ said the nurse, ‘I’m here simply to introduce myself, as I will be your personal carer during your stay here. And to ask you what you’d like for breakfast.’
    ‘Ah,’ said Jonny. ‘I’d like the full English if that is on the go. Two sausages, two bacon, two eggs, two toast, black pudding, beans and a fried slice.’
    Nurse Hollywood clutched one of those hospital clipboards to her pert bosoms. She took up the pen that was attached to it by a string and made certain notes.
    ‘Am I getting the full English?’ Jonny asked. ‘Or did I just fail one of the tests?’
    ‘We don’t like to use the “F” word here,’ said Nurse Hollywood. ‘Nobody fails. It’s just that some take longer to succeed than others.’
    ‘I am a very fast learner,’ said Jonny. ‘You’d be surprised at all the things I’ve learned so far. For instance, I’ve learned that life isn’t fair,that I am a have-not and that I have absolutely no skills at all when it comes to predicting the future. However, I do remain cautiously optimistic.’
    Nurse Hollywod made further notes. Something told Jonny that he was not making a particularly good first impression and that the chances of seeing that bum tattoo were getting smaller by the minute.
    ‘I’d like you to have this,’ said Nurse Hollywood, peeling an underpage from her clipboard and presenting it to Jonny.
    ‘Your phone number?’ Jonny asked.
    ‘A questionnaire of sorts. While I fetch your breakfast, I’d like you to fill it in. Do you think you could do that for me?’
    ‘Not without a pen,’ said Jonny.
    Nurse