Body type … full figured, HWP.' Height-weight proportionate. 'Occupation … hair stylist. Want children? … I want children to stay away from me. Drinking? … I'm drunk right now. Drugs? … Let's burn one.' She says she spends her free time working out and having sex."
Dave was shaking his head; he was about to vent.
"Every girl in those ads says she spends her free time working out and having sex. If they're having so much sex, why'd they put an ad in the personals for 'woman seeking man'? Answer me that."
"I can't," Andy said.
"There you go. They're lying. They haven't been laid since high school prom night."
"Neither have you."
"And when was your last serious relationship, Romeo?"
"With a female?"
" Homo sapiens ."
"Fourth grade. Mary Margaret McDermott at St. Ignatius. My first kiss."
It had happened during recess behind the slide. Andy let her go up the ladder first, hoping to look up her uniform skirt only to discover that she wore privacy shorts underneath; she had abruptly turned and kissed him right on the lips. He could still feel that kiss. Andy realized that Dave was staring at him.
"What'd you do this time?" Dave said.
Between the pool and Güero's, Andy had doctored his cuts and abrasions and taken two Ibuprofen, but his entire body still hurt like he'd fallen a hundred feet down a ravine. Oh, he had. Of course, the four Coronas were acting as a nice anesthetic.
"He took a header for some senior citizens," Tres said. "The ravine above Sculpture Falls."
"Ouch. You see a doctor?"
Andy tapped the Corona. "I self-medicate. And I need my prescription refilled."
He held up his beer bottle for Ronda again. He wasn't worried about driving home drunk because (a) he didn't own a car, and (b) he lived only a few blocks from Güero's. He had often biked home drunk, which wasn't a crime, at least not in Austin.
"You were bombing the Hill of Life again," Dave said.
Andy shrugged.
"Hill of Death is more like it. Andy, are you afraid of anything?"
"Women."
"Amen, brother," Curtis said.
They fist-punched in the air above the table.
"You're gonna die on that bike one day," Dave said.
"Not that bike. And there are worse ways to go."
The guys fell silent and dropped their eyes. Tres put an arm around Andy's shoulder.
"How's he doing?"
"Still waiting for the call."
After an awkward moment of silence, Tres said, "Curtis, read us another one."
"Okay." He turned a page. "This girl wants a guy who's kind and considerate and loving with a sense of humor and a pleasing personality … and, oh yeah, he's got to have the mind of Einstein and the body of Matthew McConaughey."
"That's what they all want," Dave said, "the perfect male."
Dave pulled out his comb and swept his hair back again. He smiled at a passing girl; she smiled at Tres. Dave shrugged it off then slapped Curtis on the shoulder.
"Well, we've got half of perfect right here—the Einstein brain."
"And the other half with Andy," Tres said.
"Please. McConaughey's pumped. I'm … wiry."
"Natalie says you've got a great body. Hell, I'd be worried she was cheating with you if you had any money."
"Thanks."
Curtis shook his head with apparent disgust. "I'll bet McConaughey couldn't solve a quadratic equation to save his life."
"What's that?" Tres asked.
Curtis twisted around to reveal the back side of his T-shirt, on which a long mathematical equation was printed.
"This. Simple algebra."
Tres laughed. "Curtis, movie stars like McConaughey, they've got people to do their algebra for them."
"I saw him in here a while back," Dave said. "The girls were falling all over themselves to get near him. Even Ronda."
"She's a lesbian," Andy said.
Dave turned his palms up. "The allure of celebrity."
"We'll never get a date if they want McConaughey," Curtis said.
"I know how we can get dates," Dave said. "Answer the ads from women over forty. There's a lot of older women out there rebounding from divorces—they're lonely and desperate."
"But are
Dave was shaking his head; he was about to vent.
"Every girl in those ads says she spends her free time working out and having sex. If they're having so much sex, why'd they put an ad in the personals for 'woman seeking man'? Answer me that."
"I can't," Andy said.
"There you go. They're lying. They haven't been laid since high school prom night."
"Neither have you."
"And when was your last serious relationship, Romeo?"
"With a female?"
" Homo sapiens ."
"Fourth grade. Mary Margaret McDermott at St. Ignatius. My first kiss."
It had happened during recess behind the slide. Andy let her go up the ladder first, hoping to look up her uniform skirt only to discover that she wore privacy shorts underneath; she had abruptly turned and kissed him right on the lips. He could still feel that kiss. Andy realized that Dave was staring at him.
"What'd you do this time?" Dave said.
Between the pool and Güero's, Andy had doctored his cuts and abrasions and taken two Ibuprofen, but his entire body still hurt like he'd fallen a hundred feet down a ravine. Oh, he had. Of course, the four Coronas were acting as a nice anesthetic.
"He took a header for some senior citizens," Tres said. "The ravine above Sculpture Falls."
"Ouch. You see a doctor?"
Andy tapped the Corona. "I self-medicate. And I need my prescription refilled."
He held up his beer bottle for Ronda again. He wasn't worried about driving home drunk because (a) he didn't own a car, and (b) he lived only a few blocks from Güero's. He had often biked home drunk, which wasn't a crime, at least not in Austin.
"You were bombing the Hill of Life again," Dave said.
Andy shrugged.
"Hill of Death is more like it. Andy, are you afraid of anything?"
"Women."
"Amen, brother," Curtis said.
They fist-punched in the air above the table.
"You're gonna die on that bike one day," Dave said.
"Not that bike. And there are worse ways to go."
The guys fell silent and dropped their eyes. Tres put an arm around Andy's shoulder.
"How's he doing?"
"Still waiting for the call."
After an awkward moment of silence, Tres said, "Curtis, read us another one."
"Okay." He turned a page. "This girl wants a guy who's kind and considerate and loving with a sense of humor and a pleasing personality … and, oh yeah, he's got to have the mind of Einstein and the body of Matthew McConaughey."
"That's what they all want," Dave said, "the perfect male."
Dave pulled out his comb and swept his hair back again. He smiled at a passing girl; she smiled at Tres. Dave shrugged it off then slapped Curtis on the shoulder.
"Well, we've got half of perfect right here—the Einstein brain."
"And the other half with Andy," Tres said.
"Please. McConaughey's pumped. I'm … wiry."
"Natalie says you've got a great body. Hell, I'd be worried she was cheating with you if you had any money."
"Thanks."
Curtis shook his head with apparent disgust. "I'll bet McConaughey couldn't solve a quadratic equation to save his life."
"What's that?" Tres asked.
Curtis twisted around to reveal the back side of his T-shirt, on which a long mathematical equation was printed.
"This. Simple algebra."
Tres laughed. "Curtis, movie stars like McConaughey, they've got people to do their algebra for them."
"I saw him in here a while back," Dave said. "The girls were falling all over themselves to get near him. Even Ronda."
"She's a lesbian," Andy said.
Dave turned his palms up. "The allure of celebrity."
"We'll never get a date if they want McConaughey," Curtis said.
"I know how we can get dates," Dave said. "Answer the ads from women over forty. There's a lot of older women out there rebounding from divorces—they're lonely and desperate."
"But are
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