thinking that the grass is greener makes me cringe. After thirty-two years of boob embarrassment, itâs now time to give them some love. I need to invest in a few good, pretty bras and maybe even experiment with a bit of cleavage (thereâs a cream for that Iâm sure). I need to remind myself that I Am A Woman and itâs OK to have curves. In fact, itâs more than OK â itâs lovely. And I need to start saying positive things to my breasts. And I must remember not to do this out loud.
Yes, 2013 is the year for Boobie Love, and Iâm sure my puppies will appreciate this.
Ben Harris and the Orbs of Power
WILL HILL
Good Friday, 1995
Ben swallowed hard, trying not to let her see the fear in his eyes. He was close.
So close.
It had taken him many months, but he was finally face to face with the culmination of his long, dangerous quest. Now, all that stood between him and triumph were two black semi-circles of cotton and polyester, and a fiendish pair of metal hooks. As he studied this final obstacle, he felt his nerve threatening to betray him, and fought against it.
He had come so far. He would not fail now.
The quest was simple in concept, but no less daunting for its simplicity.
Sean Redman, Benâs best friend and companion on what would undoubtedly be an adventure full of peril and hardship, had summed it up with his usual class and elegance during the last days of the summer holiday, after they had finished watching
Raiders of the Lost Ark
for the hundredth time. He had taken a sheet of A3 paper, written THE ORBS OF POWER at the top in a mediocre approximation of the iconic Indiana Jones lettering, and addressed his friend.
âTits. Real ones. Female too, no trying to be clever. In the flesh, before the end of the school year.â
Ben had considered this. âDo we need to touch them, or just see them?â
âThe two things sort of go hand in hand, mate,â replied Sean, grinning lasciviously. âBut for the sake of clarity, yeah, you need to touch them. Otherwise walking in on your sister in the shower would qualify. Although in the case of
your
sister, that would be pretty much the best possible result for me.â
âPiss off,â said Ben, mildly. He wasnât really annoyed; Sean had been describing the array of things he would like to do to Chloe in remarkably graphic detail since the first time he had joined Benâs family for dinner after school. It was now just part of their routine.
âHas to be consensual too,â continued Sean. âNo grab and run. Otherwise Iâd already be sorted.â
Ben nodded. Sean was an impulsive, risk-taking quester, and had technically already made momentary contact with one of the Orbs of Power, thanks to a remarkably ill-advised single finger prod to the chest of Laura Kelly, who sat behind him in Maths. His foolhardiness had drawn first a gasp of shock, then a furious, bellowed lecture on the subject of personal boundaries, punctuated with a series of vicious blows to his arms and face, delivered with unerring precision by the sharp edge of Lauraâs Take That ruler.
âOne more thing,â said Sean. âThe main thing, actually.â
âWhat?â asked Ben.
âThis is a quest. We take it seriously, or we donât even bother starting. So that means you donât tell anybody, and especially not any girls. They wonât understand. All right?â
âAgreed,â said Ben, although he was no longer really listening. His mind, as it often did, had wandered back to when the idea for the adventure had first occurred to him, a moment that was now seared forever into his memory.
He was lying on a sun lounger on a Kefalonian beach ten days earlier, his dad snoring steadily on one side of him, his mum with her nose buried in a bright pink paperback on the other. His sister had gone into town with the friends she had made in their apartment complex, and Ben was considering