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laughing like a baboon isn’t the same as answering the question.’
    â€˜What’s the question?’
    â€˜Did Ray Quasar eat Trixie – that’s Mrs Cake’s Jack Russell terrier – plus two other dogs whose names I can’t remember, plus Catty the fat, er, I mean, Fatty the cat, and Potty the parrot?’
    Declan worked hard to get his face under control. Yes, he was very close to cracking. The case was almost closed.
    â€˜Hello, anyone home?’ he said, knocking on my head with his knuckles. ‘Ray Quasar doesn’t eat pigs, or dogs, or cats, or elephants. He’s too small. When he’s fully grown, he’ll be over three metres long and he might eat a little dog, if there was one going. But not now.’
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    â€˜What does he eat then?’
    I’d noticed that he hadn’t mentioned parrots.
    â€˜Mice.’
    â€˜Mice?’
    â€˜Yes, mice. Baby mice. Want to watch?’
    â€˜Not really.’
    â€˜Yeah, cool.’
    That was Jennifer. She was still holding Ray Quasar, although you could equally say that he was holding her. I half hoped that the snake would attack her, and maybe swallow her down to the waist so I could rescue her from the jaws of the beast, like Tarzan. That would show her how brave I was, as well as going a long way to proving the snake’s guilt. After all, if you’d eat a girl like that, then you’d eat anything – dogs, cats, mushy peas, Brussels sprouts, anything.
    But sadly he didn’t try to strangulate and swallow her. He just hung on her arm like a handbag and put his nasty tongue out at me.
    â€˜Actually it’s feeding time now. I’ve gotsome mice defrosting in the fridge next to the yogurt. Hang on here and I’ll get them.’
    Then he ran out of the room.
    â€˜How do you think the interrogation’s going?’ I said to my Elite Force, after a pause.
    â€˜Quite good,’ said Noah, looking down at his feet.
    â€˜Rubbish, actually,’ said Jennifer.
    Obviously she’d taken over the family role of moaner.
    â€˜How can you say that when we’re about to see Ray Quasar eat a baby mouse?’
    â€˜Well, I admit that will be quite interesting.’
    â€˜One thing, though,’ said Noah. ‘If Ray Quasar eats the mice, can we rule him out of our enquiries?’
    I thought for a moment.
    â€˜Well, yes, we can.’
    â€˜Hooray,’ said Jennifer sarcastically.
    â€˜In an investigation you often make an advance by eliminating suspects.’
    Ray Quasar ate the mice.
    Four little pink baby mice.
    He wrapped himself around them, giving them a good old constrict even though they were already so dead they’d been in the freezer for six months. Then he swallowed them.
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    It’s a strange world in which eating four little tiny pink baby mice means you are innocent. But we don’t get a choice. This is the only world we have. So I declared Ray Quasar the boa constrictor Not Guilty, and we went home.
    But not before Declan gave Jennifer a present – a nasty dried-up old snakeskin that Ray Quasar had grown out of. The way she smiled and blushed you’d have thought it was a diamond ring.

I HAD MORE pondering to do that night. So I was awake yet again when I heard the sound of Rude Word being dragged out of the garage and tied up to the gate post. I didn’t even bother to look.
    The next morning I brought Rude Word out some Weetabix. He wasn’t there. I looked under the blankets in his baby bath. No sign.
    â€˜Dad, where’s Rudy?’ I asked when I came back into the kitchen.
    My dad looked at my mum. My mum looked at the ceiling. You wouldn’t havethought that ceilings were that interesting.
    â€˜Isn’t he outside?’ she said.
    â€˜No, I’ve just looked. I was bringing him his Weetabix.’
    â€˜Oh no,’ said Dad, in a dramatic kind of way, ‘do you think it’s another of those mysterious