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their dogs pop culture names. I looked at her site and there’s a Slade Smiley(!), and also a Roxie Hart. There’s Marc Jacobs, he’s kind of cute. Christie Brinkley was just adopted. I mean, there’s even a Mila Kunis. I keep picturing Mila Kunis the dog whenever her name comes up (which has oddly happened a couple times this week). And there’s a Cat Deeley. A dog named Cat. Then of course on my way to the gym I saw a Havanese and I got Havanese crazy again. But I think I am meant to have a beagle. (I know, Ron Swanson is actually a beagle-foxhound mix, but close enough.)
    Alexia Echevarria and Meghan McCain were on my show. I kind of thought that I was going to make Alexia cry talking about her son, but she didn’t. It may have been additive to see her cry. I like her, though, tears or not.
    All night I was in a slow rage. I couldn’t figure out what I was mad about. Something. I couldn’t remember, which was frustrating for everyone of course. And I gave the finger to the government on the air and in my ear Deirdre wondered if you can give the finger on Bravo. After the show my trusty EP found out that yes, you can, if it’s done as a joke. What do I know about the government? I’m fat. Maybe that’s why I’m mad?
    WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2013
    Everything came together at the last minute tonight and we had a great show. Around 6 p.m. I decided it would be hilarious to do Rachel Zoe commenting on the government shutdown, so we got Amy Phillips to get in costume and do that whole “Washington is shutting it down” thing. And then right before air, someone tweeted me that the San Diego Zoo Panda Cam was still up, so we kept cutting to that. I can’t handle pandas. I mean, they look like people in panda costumes eating twigs. There is nothing cuter. And so now I think we’re going to do a webcam of the night. It’s very Letterman, like what he used to do, but whatever. I like it. I love David Arquette, he’s got a great spirit. I said to him before we went on that it must be hard to own a bar and manage his sobriety and he goes, “I’m not sober anymore.” (This seems to be a trend.) Everyone in the control room heard, and Deirdre was in my ear immediately, making fun of the awkward moment. I recovered and asked him what he was drinking and then I toasted him. The truth is he was a whole lot looser on the sauce, which is not exactly headline news.
    David was with this lady who was carrying on about the Dodgers and how they may be playing the Cardinals in the playoffs. She said to me that they were gonna kick our asses. I hate smack talk. I’m not cut out for it. I told her that the proper thing to say is “It’s going to be a great series.” That’s what you say to be sportsmanlike. You don’t act like a child and talk shit. After the show she gave me her card and said, “If you need tickets to any of the games, I am one of the owners of the team.” And then I realized, I almost had a fight with one of the owners of the Dodgers. I was telling her how to be sportsmanlike. I hope I didn’t screw up a coin toss or a trade.
    I got home around 12:30 a.m. and got a two-hour massage. It was amazing. From a new guy, Adam. He was really tough. This is going to become a weekly thing. Though I tend to give notes after a massage to the poor therapist, I had very few for him. (There was one thing about my shoulders.) I asked him to carry me to my bed when it was done, and said that I was joking, but I think I was serious. The whole time I was lying there I was thinking, “What if Ron Swanson was here, what would he be doing? Would he be looking at me the whole time?”
    And I continue to be fat. Correction—I continue to be very fat. I was lying on the table like a slab of meat, wondering what I look like splayed out. I should add that I had a shot of Jägermeister on my way out of the show. Literally as I was