Read The Abbess of Crewe for Free Online
Authors: Muriel Spark
to be Abbess of
Crewe. And as surely, at this moment, the matter has been thrown into doubt by Sister
Felicity’s glamorous campaign.
‘She is bored,’ says the destined Abbess. ‘That is the trouble. She
provides an unwholesome distraction for the nuns for a while, and after a while they
will find her as boring as she actually is.’
‘Gertrude,’ says Alexandra into the
green telephone. ‘Gertrude, my dear, are you not returning to your convent for the
election?’
‘Impossible,’ says Gertrude, who has been called on the new green line at the
capital city nearest to that uncharted spot in the Andes where she has lately posted
herself. ‘I’m at a very delicate point in my negotiations between the
cannibal tribe and that vegetarian sect on the other side of the mountain.’
‘But, Gertrude, we’re having a lot of trouble with Felicity. The life of the
Abbey of Crewe is at stake, Gertrude.’
‘The salvation of souls comes first,’ says Gertrude’s husky voice.
‘The cannibals are to be converted to the faith with dietary concessions and the
excessive zeal of the vegetarian heretics suppressed.’
‘What puzzles me so much, Gertrude, my love, is how the cannibals will fare on the
Day of Judgment,’ Alexandra says cosily. ‘Remember, Gertrude, that friendly
little verse of our childhood:
It’s a very odd thing —
As odd as can be —
That whatever Miss T. eats
Turns into Miss T….
And it seems to me, Gertrude, that you are going
to have a problem with those cannibals on the Latter Day when the trumpet shall sound.
It’s a question of which man shall rise in the Resurrection, for certainly those
that are eaten have long since become the consumers from generation to generation. It is
a problem, Gertrude, my most clever angel, that vexes my noon’s repose and I do
urge you to leave well alone in that field. You should come back at once to Crewe and
help us in our time of need.’
Something crackles on the line. ‘Gertrude, are you there?’ says
Alexandra.
Something crackles, then Gertrude’s voice responds, ‘Sorry, I missed all
that. I was tying my shoelace.’
‘You should be here, Gertrude. The nuns are beginning to murmur that you’re
avoiding us. Felicity is saying that if she’s elected Abbess of Crewe she wants an
open audit of all the dowries and she advocates indiscreet sex. Above all, she has
proclaimed a rebellion in the house and it’s immoral.’
‘What is her rebellion against?’ Gertrude inquires.
‘My tyranny,’ says Alexandra. ‘What do you think?’
‘Is the rebellion likely to succeed?’ says Gertrude.
‘Not if we can help it. But she has a chance. Her following increases every
hour.’
‘If she has a chance of success then the rebellion isn’t immoral. A rebellion
against a tyrant is only immoral when it hasn’t got a chance.’
‘That sounds very cynical, Gertrude. Positively Machiavellian. Don’t you
think it a little daring to commit yourself so far?’
‘It is the doctrine of St Thomas Aquinas.’
‘Can you be here for the election, Gertrude? We need to consult you.’
‘Consult Machiavelli,’ says Gertrude. ‘A great master, but don’t
quote me as saying so; the name is inexpedient.’
‘Gertrude,’ says Alexandra. ‘Do bear in mind that
Tiny and cheerful,
And neat as can be,
Whatever Miss T. eats
Turns into Miss T.’
But Gertrude has hung up.
‘Will she come home?’ says Walburga when Alexandra turns from the
telephone.
‘I doubt it,’ says Alexandra. ‘She is having a great success with the
cannibals and has administered the Kiss of Peace according to the photograph in
today’s
Daily Mirror.
Meanwhile the vegetarian tribes have guaranteed to
annihilate the cannibals, should they display any desire to roast her.’
‘She will be in trouble with Rome,’ says Mildred, ‘if she absents
herself from the Abbey much longer. A mission takes so long
Crewe. And as surely, at this moment, the matter has been thrown into doubt by Sister
Felicity’s glamorous campaign.
‘She is bored,’ says the destined Abbess. ‘That is the trouble. She
provides an unwholesome distraction for the nuns for a while, and after a while they
will find her as boring as she actually is.’
‘Gertrude,’ says Alexandra into the
green telephone. ‘Gertrude, my dear, are you not returning to your convent for the
election?’
‘Impossible,’ says Gertrude, who has been called on the new green line at the
capital city nearest to that uncharted spot in the Andes where she has lately posted
herself. ‘I’m at a very delicate point in my negotiations between the
cannibal tribe and that vegetarian sect on the other side of the mountain.’
‘But, Gertrude, we’re having a lot of trouble with Felicity. The life of the
Abbey of Crewe is at stake, Gertrude.’
‘The salvation of souls comes first,’ says Gertrude’s husky voice.
‘The cannibals are to be converted to the faith with dietary concessions and the
excessive zeal of the vegetarian heretics suppressed.’
‘What puzzles me so much, Gertrude, my love, is how the cannibals will fare on the
Day of Judgment,’ Alexandra says cosily. ‘Remember, Gertrude, that friendly
little verse of our childhood:
It’s a very odd thing —
As odd as can be —
That whatever Miss T. eats
Turns into Miss T….
And it seems to me, Gertrude, that you are going
to have a problem with those cannibals on the Latter Day when the trumpet shall sound.
It’s a question of which man shall rise in the Resurrection, for certainly those
that are eaten have long since become the consumers from generation to generation. It is
a problem, Gertrude, my most clever angel, that vexes my noon’s repose and I do
urge you to leave well alone in that field. You should come back at once to Crewe and
help us in our time of need.’
Something crackles on the line. ‘Gertrude, are you there?’ says
Alexandra.
Something crackles, then Gertrude’s voice responds, ‘Sorry, I missed all
that. I was tying my shoelace.’
‘You should be here, Gertrude. The nuns are beginning to murmur that you’re
avoiding us. Felicity is saying that if she’s elected Abbess of Crewe she wants an
open audit of all the dowries and she advocates indiscreet sex. Above all, she has
proclaimed a rebellion in the house and it’s immoral.’
‘What is her rebellion against?’ Gertrude inquires.
‘My tyranny,’ says Alexandra. ‘What do you think?’
‘Is the rebellion likely to succeed?’ says Gertrude.
‘Not if we can help it. But she has a chance. Her following increases every
hour.’
‘If she has a chance of success then the rebellion isn’t immoral. A rebellion
against a tyrant is only immoral when it hasn’t got a chance.’
‘That sounds very cynical, Gertrude. Positively Machiavellian. Don’t you
think it a little daring to commit yourself so far?’
‘It is the doctrine of St Thomas Aquinas.’
‘Can you be here for the election, Gertrude? We need to consult you.’
‘Consult Machiavelli,’ says Gertrude. ‘A great master, but don’t
quote me as saying so; the name is inexpedient.’
‘Gertrude,’ says Alexandra. ‘Do bear in mind that
Tiny and cheerful,
And neat as can be,
Whatever Miss T. eats
Turns into Miss T.’
But Gertrude has hung up.
‘Will she come home?’ says Walburga when Alexandra turns from the
telephone.
‘I doubt it,’ says Alexandra. ‘She is having a great success with the
cannibals and has administered the Kiss of Peace according to the photograph in
today’s
Daily Mirror.
Meanwhile the vegetarian tribes have guaranteed to
annihilate the cannibals, should they display any desire to roast her.’
‘She will be in trouble with Rome,’ says Mildred, ‘if she absents
herself from the Abbey much longer. A mission takes so long