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him, making a joke how he’s like those holy rollers passing out their shit, but I’m not sure if he knows what I know about what Big O’s up to. Also, I’m drawn in by the team picture on the back. Rob is in the last row, all tall and goofy, but Dave’s in the front, smiling like the devil.
    â€œJensen rolls with you?”
    Rob looks down at the picture. “Yeah. Coach doesn’t like him that much, but Dave’s legal and can be on the cards. And he’s fucking nuts.”
    I swallow. I don’t want to ask, but I have to. “You know he’s Cameron’s nephew?” I’m still looking at the picture, even though there’s no reason I should. I feel Rob behind me shift and open his mouth, but then he closes it and crosses his arms over his chest. He gets it. I tuck the pamphlet into my back pocket. Maybe now he’ll give me an out.
    â€œThe fuck does that matter? Maybe Cam will back off if he knows you’re fighting.” Rob’s words sound as hollow as I feel. He knows better. That’s something Big O doesn’t understand.
    I turn and tell him about what happened with Jensen this morning. Rob listens and then looks me square in the eye. “Tone, you got no choice then. You gotta go. Can’t be a pussy.”
    I’ve been thinking the same thing, but being or not being a pussy isn’t so black and white. I’m not so sure it’s just something I can decide not to be. Kind of like being smart
the way I am. What has come of it? Nothing. Because someone else is always steering my life, and they don’t give a fuck about what I want.

    We pile off the bus and Amy and Charity light up. Char’s eyes are bugged out. I forgot about how much of a mess she was and am surprised that she’s still out of it. Amy exhales. “Just stay at my place.”
    Charity takes a long drag. “Maybe.” She looks over at her house, and her eyes look just like I imagine my own do. I stare at the ground and Rob speaks.
    â€œYou need some help? Something you’d like us to do?” There’s a long pause. I want Char to speak. She may be loud and obnoxious, but we’ve always had each other’s back. Whatever’s up, we’ll be there for her.
    Instead, Amy answers. “Not now.”
    I get that too and nod. We walk away, and Rob jabs me in the kidney before darting out of reach. “See you around six?”
    I ignore the pain. “Yeah. Six.”
    He runs off before I have a chance to ask him about Big O. I’ll get to it later. Fuck, I can’t believe I’m going.
    I head up the stairs and into my trailer. It’s dark and cool, like a cave. Still filthy and reeking, though. I head directly to my room, take off my shoes, and lie on my bed. The pamphlet crinkles in my back pocket. No doubt Cameron will be back tonight, and maybe by then I’ll have picked up a move or two. But Dave will be there, and then Cameron will know, and before I’ve really learned anything, he’ll kick the shit out of me for trying. Story of my fucking life. I gotta get out. Before I’m stuck. But how?

5
    R ob told me we’d be barefoot at the gym, so I need to take care of my toenails. They’re way too long and yellow. I head to the bathroom and rifle through the drawers and behind the mirror. Nothing. I go to my mom’s room and stand at the threshold. I hate going in. There’s clothes everywhere, dirty dishes on the nightstand, dresser, and floor. And it always smells like ass. But I step in and move around the shit on top of the dresser, then knock over a half-finished beer can but don’t bother to clean it up. Not like she would.
    Her nightstand’s got only her alarm clock and a bottle of aspirin. I pop open the drawer, and there’s a big ass nail file next to a lighter, but no clippers. I reach in and my fingers brush against something cold. I grab it and the file. It’s a pipe.