Read Swimming at Night: A Novel for Free Online Page B

purpose.
    “I know we’ve talked about this,” Ed said, “but I am still struggling to understand your logic.”
    “You know how difficult things were between me and Mia before she left,” she said, setting aside her tea. “And I let her go . . . I was relieved to see her go.”
    “Mia’s death is not your fault.”
    Wasn’t it? She had seen Mia was unhappy when they were living together, but she had let her loose anyway. Mia was her little sister, her responsibility. And Katie had failed her. “The journal is all I have left. It’s a link to six months of her life that I missed.”
    “So read it. I’ve already told you I’m happy to do it with you.”
    She’d discovered Ed thumbing through the journal the morning after she’d found it, checking that there was nothing that would upset her. She knew he was being kind, but she didn’t want his protection; she wanted his support. Now she’d taken to keeping the journal with her at all times.
    “But once I’ve finished reading it,” she explained, “there’ll be no more new memories of Mia. That’ll be it—she’s gone.” She imagined flipping through the pages time and time again until the words had become dull and meaningless, like a set of old photographs that have faded with the years. But Katie knew that by reading each entry in the countries where Mia wrote them, and experiencing some of the things she had experienced, then it would feel as if she was with her—that those six months hadn’t been lost. “I need to do this, Ed.”
    He stood and crossed her bedroom to the window and opened it. Katie caught the heavy bass booming from a car stereo below. He spread his hands on the low windowsill and, for several moments, just stared at the street below.
    “Ed?”
    “I love you,” he began slowly, turning to face her, “but I believe you are making a mistake. What about everything you’re leaving behind? What about our wedding?”
    They were due to get married in August. They had booked an intimate country house in Surrey, which they’d planned to take over for the weekend with their closest friends and family. Katie’s evenings had been occupied with searching for a band that would play beyond midnight, deliberating over the choice of cheesecake or profiteroles for dessert, and collecting vintage photo frames to create a display on the cake table. The excitement and anticipation that had only recently consumed her now seemed as if it had been part of a life that was no longer hers.
    “I won’t be away for long. A few months at most.”
    “I know you’re going through hell right now,” he said, pushing aside a cream lantern to make space to sit. “I wish, I really wish, there was something I could do to make this easier for you. But all I can say to you, darling, is that I truly believe it will help if you can begin looking towards the future, rather than the past.”
    She nodded. There was some sense in that.
    He indicated the spot beside him and she moved across the room and sat. She could smell the residue of his shaving foam, mixed with the fresh tones of aftershave. He looked handsome in his suit; the slate-gray tie had been a present from Katie and she liked to imagine his hand brushing the raw silk in a meeting, his thoughts trailing from the boardroom to her.
    “This isn’t the answer,” he said, looking at Mia’s journal, which she still held. She heard the smile in his voice as he said, “Come on, you hate flying! You’ve never been outside of Europe. It is just not safe for you to go backpacking on your own.” He placed his hand on her thigh, rubbing gently. “Let’s work through this together. Here.”
    Ed always had a practical way of assessing situations; it was one of the many things she admired about him. Perhaps this was a mistake. Flying to the other side of the world and giving noindication of when she would be back was unfair to Ed, she knew that much. “I don’t know what the right decision is