Sunday the Rabbi Stayed Home

Read Sunday the Rabbi Stayed Home for Free Online

Book: Read Sunday the Rabbi Stayed Home for Free Online
Authors: Harry Kemelman
Henry.
    “No, no,” said Paff. “Never mind, Henry –”
    The policeman looked at the manager in surprise. “What do we need a search warrant for? It’s a public place, and my partner had to go to the John.”
    “Not to the ladies’ john.”
    “Please. Henry.” Paff turned to the policeman. “Look, do you mind telling me what you’re looking for?”
    “We’re looking for pot, mister.”
    “But why here?”
    The other policeman joined them, shaking his head in response to his partner’s look of inquiry.
    “Well, we got a tip, so we checked it through. You ever see any kids acting high?” he demanded of Henry.
    “The little bastards all act high.” said Henry indignantly. “That still don’t give you no call to come down here –”
    “Without a search warrant? Look. Buster, we come down here with a warrant, we take the place apart.”
    “No need to get excited. Officer.” said Paff. “We’re always happy to cooperate with the police.”
    “Yeah? Well tell your man.”
    When he got home. Mrs. Paff greeted him at the door with, “Where were you? It’s so late I was beginning to worry. Hurry and wash up. Dinner has been ready for half an hour.”
    “I don’t feel like eating now, Laura. I’m tired. I’ll eat later.”
    “But we’ve got to go to the temple, Meyer. It’s Friday night.”
    “I think I’ll pass it up tonight. I’m tired.”
    “Come on, Meyer, sit down and eat something, and you’ll feel better. And then we’ll go to the temple, and you can relax. It’s the Brotherhood service. You always enjoy that.”

Chapter Seven
    As Ted Brennerman strode to the pulpit the congregation settled back expectantly. He had a reputation as a “hot-shot” and a “character.” (“That Brennerman, he doesn’t care what he says; he gets away with murder.”) Leaning against the lectern in a manner obviously reminiscent of Rabbi Small, he announced. “Good evening, this is your friendly Rabbi Brennerman.” There was a titter of appreciation, and he went on, “Seriously, folks, I’ve done a lot of public talking in my time, but this is the first time I’ve had to give a sermon. Let me tell you, it sobers a fellow up.” There was another appreciative chuckle, for among the Brotherhood members Brennerman was reputed to know what to do with a bottle.
    “So when I found that the program called for me to give the sermon, I asked our rabbi if I could borrow his sermon book. (Laughter.) Well, he claimed he didn’t have one, that he made them up himself. So I thought to myself, I know what to get you for your birthday. (Laughter.) Actually, no one here has a greater appreciation of our rabbi than I have. I consider him one of the wisest and most intelligent men I’ve met. And I guess he proved it when he arranged to play hookey tonight. (Laughter.)
    “So since I didn’t get any help from our rabbi. I went over his head and consulted his boss. Moses himself. Always deal with the top man is my motto. I took down the family Bible and began to read in Exodus. I read it in English, because I didn’t happen to have my Hebrew glasses around. (Laughter.) Well, it was a revelation. And there’s no pun intended. We all know the story of the exodus from Egypt, the ten plagues, and all the rest of it from way back in Sunday school. But when you read it in the Bible, you really get an idea of what clowns Pharaoh and the Egyptians were. And I guess recent events in the Middle East tend to prove that they haven’t wised up very much in three thousand years. (Appreciative laughter.) Except that then they wanted us to stay, and now they want us to get out. Can’t they make up their minds what they want? (Laughter.)
    “But then as I continued reading I discovered that our own folks weren’t an awful lot brighter. Get the picture: They had just been treated to as classy a demonstration of God’s power as had ever been displayed to mankind. Again and again, God had demonstrated that He regarded the children

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