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now.’
    We’re sitting on the steps by the duck pond opposite St Mary’s Church. We’re enjoying some quality time together as a family – grabbing a guilty hour before I’m back on shift again at six. The intended visit to Mount Ironalot will have to wait. Crumpled clothes will be de rigour again for the week.
    It’s a beautiful, sunny day in downtown Hitchin. The sky is blue and cloud free. But the air is cool today and I pull my cardigan around me. Normally, Olly would put his arm round my shoulders, but he doesn’t.
    Petal is busy bossing the poor, unfortunate ducks about and doling out bread to those she thinks are well behaved enough to deserve it. Even the dog is out with us and is trying to pretend he’s cool about the ducks, but I know that he’s secretly longing to give one just a little chew.
    ‘What’s the rush?’ Olly asks.
    ‘Why wait?’
    We descend into silence.
    ‘Stay away from the edge,’ Olly warns our daughter as she waddles after a duck. ‘I just thought we’d make such a big decision together, as partners. I can’t help feeling hurt that Phil, Jenny and Constance seem to take precedence.’
    ‘It was a spur of the moment thing. I got caught up in their enthusiasm,’ I confess. ‘It felt nice to have them cheering me on.’
    ‘Are you saying I don’t?’
    ‘Why are we arguing about this? I feel really lucky to have got the last place, really lucky to have friends who care enough to want a better life for me, for us.’
    ‘You’re right,’ Olly concedes. ‘Of course, you’re right. I just feel a bit excluded.’
    I lean against him and, finally, his arms slip round my waist. ‘It wasn’t intentional. It was simply how it happened.’
    Olly sighs. ‘I’m stoked for you. Really I am. I’m just worried about how we’ll pay Phil back, worried about the extra work involved, worried that it will change us.’
    ‘I can go along with the first two,’ I tell him, ‘but why would it change us?’
    He shrugs. ‘These things do.’
    ‘Not if you don’t let them.’
    ‘I want to do everything I can to support you,’ Olly says.
    ‘I’ll take on some extra work so that you can cut back on your shifts.’
    I don’t like to admit that I haven’t quite worked out how we’ll pay Phil back yet. Maybe we can give him a bit each month and then pay off the lump when I land myself a fabulously creative and extravagantly paid job at the end of the course. It’s something I need to discuss with him, but my boss is so excited that I’m going that he won’t even deal with the nitty gritty of the finance.
    ‘It’s this little lady I’m concerned about,’ Olly continues. ‘What will we do with her?’
    ‘I’m taking a course, Olly. At the local college,’ I remind him. ‘I haven’t signed up for NASA’s astronaut training programme. It’ll be a breeze.’ I think, famous last words, even as I say it.
    ‘You’re right. I’m probably overthinking it.’
    ‘I want our daughter to be proud of us.’
    ‘I know.’
    At that moment Petal lifts her skirt above her head and bends over, displaying her rugby player’s legs and spotty pants to the world.
    Olly puts his head in his hands. ‘She gets that from you.’
    ‘Petal!’ I call out. ‘What are you doing?’
    ‘I’m showing the ducks my bottom,’ she shouts back. Clearly, she’s not quite so concerned about making us proud of her .

Chapter 11
     

     
    Day one of my new life as an art student. I got up mega-early in order to leave myself hours of calm and collected preparation, so I can walk into my college in a Zen-like state ready to absorb knowledge like a sponge.
    Petal sicking up in the bed is not a good start. ‘I’ve got a poorly tummy,’ my daughter complains.
    I lift her and take her into her own room, wiping her down with a warm flannel, changing her sicky pyjamas for clean ones and settling her in her own bed. Then my daughter promptly throws up down herself again and I repeat the process once more.