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and the newspaper have been procured, white people put on extra-mellow music (jazz, classical, or, for the cooler ones, ambient trip-hop or something along those lines). They then proceed to read each section of the paper, stopping periodically to tell their partner about the interesting news they have just seen. “Looks like another civil war might break out in Africa” “Did you see that the Met is doing Tristan and Isolde ?”

    White couples usually fight over who gets to read the Sunday Magazine first. How do we know this? They will tell us repeatedly about how they always fight over the Sunday Magazine.
    But note well that the sports section will always remain perfectly creased and unread, unless they have a teenage son. So on Monday morning, if you need to impress your co-workers, choose to talk about something you read in the Book Review, the Magazine, or Sunday Styles.
    All white people are expected to read the Sunday Times. You are given an exemption during your early college years, but by age 22 it is pretty much law.

47 Liberal Arts Degrees
    When white people go to college, they tend to study what are known as the Liberal Arts. This includes actual Art, English, History, Classics, and Philosophy. These can, of course, be broken down further into Film, Womyn’s Studies (yes, the spelling is correct), Communications, Gender Studies, and so forth. It is important to note that a high percentage of white people also get degrees in Political Science, which is pretty much like Liberal Arts, and only seems to have the word science in it to make white people feel better about themselves.
    These degrees enable white people to spend four years of their lives reading books, writing papers, and feeling great about themselves. It is a known fact that Liberal Arts students firmly believe that they are doing you/society a favor by reading Proust and not getting a job. They then protest for reduced tuition, more money for the arts, and special reduced student rates on things like bus passes.
    But what about the white people who study Science, Engineering, and Business? Unless they become doctors, they essentially lose white-person status (which can be regained only by working at a nonprofit).
    So why would white people spend all that time studying and working to get into college if they are just going to read books that they might have read in their free time? Because white people have it made. They can take that degree and easily parlay it into a job at a nonprofit, in an art gallery, or in publishing. If the pay is low, no problem—their parents will happily help out with rent until they magically start making six figures or nonmagically turn 40.

    White people can also take that degree and go to graduate school, and eventually become professors or adjunct professors. They will still require parental support. If they are really ambitious and need to make money, they can take that degree and go to law school.

    But the real reason white people need these degrees is so that they can sound smart at parties. Of course, it trickles down to making connections, getting hired, knowing rich people, and so forth. But ultimately it all begins by saying, “Reading Henry James was the most rewarding part of undergrad.”
    Using this to your advantage can be very difficult as attempts to talk about the books they skimmed while hungover can mate them hate you for exposing them. It is best to say that you were a first-generation college student and your parents demanded that you study math, chemistry, economics, or computer science. You had to read Joyce on your own.

48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops
    White people need organic food to survive, and where they purchase this food is as important as what they buy. In the community, Whole Foods stores have replaced churches and cathedrals as the most important and relevant buildings in society. There are some regions that do not have Whole Foods but do have an abundance of white people