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“would never” wear a given article of clothing—mostly because after a requisite amount of time has passed, the article of clothing in question becomes “vintage” and thereby OK to don ironically. In fact, hipsters often delve into the past in order to construct future trends, so flea markets and their parents’ closets are prime hunting grounds for hipster apparel. 9 [See Figure 6 .] (NB: While scenesters 10 occasionally indulge in the faux-vintage styles of Urban Outfitters and American Apparel, 11 hipsters turn up their bespectacled noses at such lemming-esque behavior.) The secondhand shopping tactic serves dual purposes:
    1 . It ensures that no one else will have the same kitten-emblazoned T-shirt, fuchsia balloon dress or Egyptian-printed muumuu as the hipster shopper in question, because said article of clothing has been discontinued for 20 years, and…
     
    2. It satisfies the hipster’s urge to always look to the past in search of those glorious “better times” when life was purer and people smoked pot in public and stuff.
     
     
     
    Therefore, although modern hipsters would sooner get into a serious relationship with a law student than wear anything designed by Ed Hardy, in five years or so, bedazzled muscle shirts airbrushed with tigers and vipers could be all the rage. God help us all.
     
    Be on the lookout for these signature pieces:
     
    Figure 6 : Observations of the Authors with Regard to the Average Hipster Girl/Boy
     
    Headwear: Fedora
    Era: Late 1800s Original Wearer: Middle-class men Modern-Day Connotation: Used by hipster boys to look “fancy,” dapper and gentlemanly—even when one is also wearing paint-encrusted jeans that haven’t been washed since the early 1990s.
     
     
     
    Top: Vintage B-movie T-shirt under a plaid shirt
    Era: B-movieT-’70s; plaid shirt - see page 63, you lazy fucker.
     
    Original Wearer: B-movieT-Nerds; plaid shirt - we repeat the above sentiment.
     
    Modern-Day Connotation: By wearing a B-movie shirt from another era (preferably a top that features a cyberpunk flick) one announces to the world that one is “quirky” and “nerdy,” but in a totally cool way. It remains to be seen whether or not the hipster has actually seen the movie he/she is plugging on his/her torso. As for the plaid shirt, Jesus, have you seriously already forgotten the fucking chart?
     
     
     
    Bottom: Skinny jeans and white Keds
    Era: Skinny jeans - Punk/’50s, à la Grease; Keds - First produced in 1917, Keds were the first sneakers, a word coined to describe how people can “sneak up” on others whilst wearing them (now good for sneaking out the back stairs after a poorly thought-out hook-up).
     
    Original Wearer: Skinny Jeans - Apparently, hipsters stole skinny jeans from the punks, who stole them from ’50s rebels, who probably stole them from the local department store; Keds - During our lifetime, they became the preferred footwear of children and that super evangelical Christian girl who wore pleated khakis and wrote Psalms on the chalkboard when you were in high school. Modern-Day Connotation: Bad boy/girl on top, conservative schoolgirl/boy below. Oh, how hipsters love irony.
     
     
     

DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN DAY-AND EVENING-WEAR
     

    Bros take great joy in transitioning into their going-out clothes—pulling off the ol’ polo shirt and cargo shorts, rolling the sleeves of their button-up, looping a smooth leather belt over their khakis, perfecting the collar poppage. Likewise, Trixies can make a whole evening out of ditching the gladiator sandals and pulling on short dresses and heels. (That’s actually all they do. They do not accessorize. We cannot figure out why getting ready takes them so fucking long.)
     
    Hipsters, on the other hand, have no real definition of “appropriate attire.” For the ladies, white ankle boots that look like ice skates minus the blades plus a vintage sequined mini-dress? A-OK for sitting in the corner of Brooklyn Label,