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with that.  I fucking have.  You’ve got no idea what I’ve been through with all that shit, so don’t think you know all about it.” I tried to push away from him but he was too strong and held me close.
    “You might have dealt with your drinking and I hope you fucking have babe, but I can tell that you haven’t sorted through some of the other shit in your head,” he bit out.
    “It’s none of your business.  You made it perfectly clear that you weren’t interested when you told me to leave,” I hissed, and gave him another push away.  He relented and let me go.
    J’s face contorted in anger and he raked his fingers through his hair.  “Fine.  Don’t wanna get into this crap right now anyway,” he jabbed his finger at me, “Mark my fucking words though, we will be getting into it.” 
    Oh, my god.  He was still one bossy fucker.
    ***
    I rolled over and checked the time on the bedside clock.  Three am.  Shit, it was going to be a long night; I’d woken up every hour since I went to bed at midnight.  The revelations of the evening had stirred up long suppressed feelings and I couldn’t stop the memories that were coming to me.  I reached for my smokes and lit one, taking a long, hard drag on it.  I closed my eyes as it filled my lungs and the smell of it hit my nostrils; it felt damn good and I took another drag, trying desperately to block out the images of Bec suffering at the hands of Nix.
    Bec was my best friend growing up.  Her father was also a member of the club and we had been inseparable.  She was a few years older than me and had always looked out for me.  Bec had fallen pregnant at seventeen, and I had helped her look after Georgie when he was born, and later, Crystal.  We had been through a lot together and had always sworn that nothing would come between us, but then on that fateful day that changed my life, something had come between us and there had been no going back from it.  Bec cut me out of her life and I had had to learn how to live life without the unwavering support of a best friend.  Even after Nix had fucked me up she had not checked in on me; she hated me that much.  But I had never stopped loving her and my broken heart cracked even more at the realisation that I would never see her again.
    You see, Bec had been dating Rob at the time that he attacked me.  They had been together for a couple of years, and although he had often flirted with me, I had thought he was harmless.  Turned out he was far from harmless.  After J killed him, and he and Scott buried the body, Bec had been heartbroken at his disappearance.  She wasn’t stupid though, and suspected the club had something to do with it because Rob and the club had always had problems.  Threats had been made against him so she assumed that the club had finally made good on those threats.  And when he had failed to ever show up again, and I hadn’t helped her find him, she turned against me saying that I had taken the club’s side.  If only she knew the truth.  But I couldn’t tell her the truth because it implicated J.
    I stubbed out my smoke and got out of bed.  There was no point trying to sleep when it just wasn’t going to happen.  Wandering out to the kitchen I saw the light on and realised that J was up.  He was sitting at the table and looked up when he heard me.  We hadn’t spoken much after we had argued.  I had hooked him up with a pillow and blanket, and then shut myself away in my bedroom.  To be honest, I didn’t trust myself with him yet.  I was confused about how I felt about him; I thought I hated him after the way he had treated me years ago and yet there was this almost relief at seeing him again.  Why the fuck would I feel relief of all things?
    “Scott called.  Fucking prospects lost Nix.  We’re on it, but haven’t found him yet,” J said as I walked past him to get a glass of water.  His voice was husky from sleep and he was sitting there in just his jeans.