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mistaken for a low level bank manager’s office, if it weren’t for all the movie posters that covered the walls. These were not posters of thought-provoking and deep dramas. There were scantily clad women, blood, and corpses on the posters, in pretty much equal amounts. The movie names depicted on the posters were The Catacombs of Sensuality , The Attack of the Octopus People , and Bloody Love Mountain .
    Ronnie Kuperman sat behind a mahogany desk, his fingers tap-dancing on his laptop’s keyboard. He was dressed in a brown suit that clashed violently with his blue tie. He was a thin man, with a haircut that looked as if his mother had done it; his auburn hair circled his head like a helmet. He had a mustache that automatically made Mitchell annoyed. Mitchell didn’t believe in mustaches; he called them “lip toupees.” But even mustaches had better and worse versions, and this one, a sort of horizontal slug trail, was one of the worst he’d ever seen.
    A few seconds after they entered the room, Ronnie lifted his eyes and looked at them.
    “Gentlemen,” he said. “You’re early. Please sit down.” His voice was high-pitched and his words wavered as if he weren’t sure if he was asking a question or making a statement.
    Mitchell, whose nerves were completely frayed, felt this voice was sent from hell to torture him for his sinful past. All he really wanted was to curl up in the back of their car and go to sleep. It was clear that Ronnie Kuperman had mistaken them for someone else, but Jacob said nothing, and Mitchell didn’t have the energy to correct the man.
    “I’ll get straight to the point; I know you two are busy. Do you want some coffee? Tea? Something stronger?” He pressed on without waiting for them to respond. “The short pitch, or the long pitch? I’ll start with the short pitch—ha ha—everyone wants the short pitch first, am I right? Here’s the short pitch: It’s When Harry Met Sally , but with vampires. Got your attention now, haven’t I? Intrigued? So here’s the thing—vampires, they’re the real deal, right? I’m talking about Twilight . I’m talking about True Blood . Do you need any more examples? No, you don’t, ‘cause everyone knows, they’re the best. Now, vampire movies, they’re always sexy, right? But you know something? People are getting old-fashioned again. They want their childhood movies. They want romantic comedies. And we’ve already established that vampires are romantic, right? So there you go. You’ve got your vampire. You’ve got his best friend, maybe a neighbor or something. He always wants to drink her blood. Half the movie’s jokes are based on that. And the girl has to be played by Keira Knightley. That’s non-negotiable. What you need to understand—”
    “I’m afraid you’ve mistaken us for someone else, Mr. Kuperman,” Jacob said, finally. “We’re not from the entertainment business.”
    “You’re not?” Kuperman seemed perplexed.
    “No. I’m Detective Jacob Cooper, from the Glenmore Park police department. This is my partner, Detective Mitchell Lonnie.”
    “Seriously?” Kuperman stared at them. “That’s so weird. You look just like… I thought you were a couple of producers I was supposed to meet.”
    “You’re a director?” Mitchell hazarded.
    “A screenwriter,” Ronnie said. “Detectives, huh? What are you doing here?”
    “We wanted to ask you some questions.”
    “What about? Should I be calling my lawyer?”
    “That’s up to you, Mr. Kuperman,” Jacob said. “We just wanted to ask about Kendele Byers.”
    “Who the hell is Kendele Byers?”
    “You might know her as pantyGirl,” Mitchell said.
    There was a moment of silence.
    “I might know her, huh?” Kuperman finally said. “What is it that you wanted to ask me, Detectives?”
    “Can you tell us how you know pantyGirl?”
    “I never said I knew her,” Ronnie Kuperman said.
    “I’d say you did,” Mitchell said, losing his patience. “I’d say