Read Soupy Saturdays With the Pain and the Great One for Free Online

Kaylee on their bikes. Then I thought about the Pain singing
Abigail can’t ride a bike …
and how good it would feel to prove he was wrong.
    So I tried again.
    And again.
    And again.
    Soon I was pedaling on my own. And instead of runningafter me, Mitch was pumping his arm.
Yes!
I reminded myself to hold on to my bike every time I came to a stop.
Pedal, brake, step to the ground.… Pedal, brake, step to the ground
. By the time Mom, Dad, and the Pain came back, I was riding up and down the road. I was even practicing wobbly turns. I couldn’t wait to tell my friends!

    Then I heard the Pain call, “Who’s that weirdo on wheels?”

    “That’s no weirdo,” Mitch called back. “That’s your sister.”
    “My sister can’t ride a bike,” the Pain called.
    I whizzed by the Pain, singing, “Oh yes, I can!” Then I tried a show-offy turn, lost my balance, and flew off my bike—right into a big pile of leaves. After a minute Ipicked myself up. “How about that trick?” I called. “I’ll bet you can’t do a flying leap like that!”
    The Pain shook his head. “This proves it. You
are
a weirdo on wheels!”
    “That’s why you’re glad I’m your sister,” I told him.
    “Who says I’m glad?”
    “Think about it,” I said. “You
could
have a boring, ordinary sister. Instead, you have me!”
    Then I got back on my bike and rode away, with the Pain calling, “Abigail … wait! Abigail …” But I was already pedaling as fast as I could. And inside my helmet, I was smiling.

The Last Word from the Great One
    The next Saturday it rained. When I went looking for my markers I couldn’t find them. “Did you take my best markers?” I asked the Pain.
    He said, “Maybe.”
    So I shouted. “You know you can’t take my markers without asking. That’s a rule. Give them back. Right now!”
    So he threw them at me and laughed.

    “Ha ha! Ha ha!”
    That really made me mad. So I yelled, “Pick up my markers right now, you little pain. Pick them up and put them back in their box or you’ll be very, very sorry.”

The Last Word from the Pain
    My sister thinks she’s so great but this time when she called me a pain I laughed. I laughed and then I said, “And you’re such a … such a …”
    And she said, “Such a what?”
    And I said, “Such a big bowl of soup!”
    And she said, “Everybody likes soup.”
    And I said, “Not spider soup. And that’s what you are. You’re a big bowl of spider soup!”

    Then she said, “Mmm … sounds yummy!”
    So I said, “Spider poop soup! That’s what you are.”
    Then she got mad and yelled, “That’s it!” And she started chasing me.
    I ran as fast as I could, calling, “Mom … help! Mommmm! She’s after me.”

The Last Word from Fluzzy
    Oh, good—
    They’re playing my favorite game.
    Run, chase, shout.
    You
’
ll be sorry
!
    I’m telling
!
    I’m going to get you
!

    Best is when they throw things.
    His elephant.
    Her markers.
    I run around them so they know I want to play too.
    The mom and dad don’t get it.
    They call,
That’s enough!
    They call,
No fighting, no biting!
    But fighting and biting are the best parts.
    Not scary bites. Just little nibbles.
    Oh, listen—
    Now they’re going to make spider soup.
    Spider poop soup.
    I’ve never tasted any kind of spider soup.
    I wonder if I’ll like it?
    I meow, telling them to wait for me.

James Stevenson has written and illustrated more than a hundred books for children. In forty years at the
New Yorker
, he has published more than two thousand cartoons and covers, as well as numerous written pieces. His illustrated column “Lost and Found New York” frequently appears on the op-ed page of the
New York Times
.