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which demonstrated clearly that his parents despise me, too. The letter was a virtual order calling for immediate separation. It was a beautiful evening; the moon was shining into the ancient hall, as we strolled along, sunk in conversation. I have lost the person I loved most of all; it was to him that I devoted my free time, songs, thoughts. Leaving the oratory after this prolonged farewell, I could hear the soft chimes of Rümelin’s wonderful voice coming from the music room: “God forbid, that would’ve been simply too good to be true.”
    You will perhaps smile as you read these lines, but believe me, it’s hard to stand by the coffin of a friend, and ten times harder to lose a friend who is still alive.
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    Bad Boll, May 23, 1892
    Thanks for the parcel, especially the clothes and the book about games. 11
    Theo has probably told you a little about my life here. I haven’t been feeling all that well lately. Lack of sleep at night has become a real problem. My head feels so hot; I feel an indeterminate, constricting pain most of the time, especially in my chest and forehead, and I haven’t made many contacts here. Oh, I’d so love to tell you that I’m doing fine, that I’m singing and leaping about merrily, cheerfully, energetically, but even writing this is difficult. Things are better here than at Maulbronn.
    Even though I was in terrible shape in the seminary, I liked to imagine that the principal items—that is, instruction, room, and board—were provided by others, like wages almost. But here I feel oppressed by the thought that you are having to pay for this pleasant, convalescent life. Oh, if that weren’t the case, I would so love to remain here forever. I love the splendid air, beautiful region, good company, and free and easy atmosphere.
    It’s so pleasant to be able to think things over before taking the next step. It’s healthy rather than enervating or harmful. Here one can live one’s own life amidst society. That’s much the way I imagine life to be in the Orient. Clothes are all one needs, everything else is provided for. The bell tends to ring just when we’ve worked up an appetite. It’s we who decide when to go to bed, rise, etc., etc.
    Please give my greetings to all present, and to Theo, too, if he’s already there.
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    Stetten, July 29, 1892
    Thanks for Papa’s letter! I can’t think of anything much to say. Of course, I wouldn’t be content with a life like this in the long run. To have to work, just so as not to be bored, teaching little children how to read, count, etc. I’m glad I’m here and also like working, but look forward to returning to my usual work, education, school life. My work here isn’t particularly well coordinated. I’m in the printing shop, gluing something together, when somebody tells me to go to the school, or takes me away from Livy and sends me into the garden, and so on. The appropriate gentlemen say I could probably start high school in the fall (mid-September). Mightn’t I pick up some important things for the future? I would prefer to attend high school in Cannstatt, where I could be in touch with the Kolbs, who are now as mother and sister to me.
    I cannot think of anything else to say; besides, I have a lesson to give five minutes from now.
    Please give my regards to the others in the family.
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    Stetten, September [ 1 ] 1892
    Theo and Karl visited me today. Theo said you were depressed because of me. There’s no reason to think that I’m particularly cheerful either. There is nothing I wouldn’t be prepared to give up in exchange for death, for Lethe!
    Theo said I should beg forgiveness from you. But I shan’t do so under present circumstances, and certainly not while I’m still here in Stetten. My situation is miserable, the future is dismal, the past is dismal, and the present is diabolical! Oh, if only that unfortunate