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mental to-do list for the upcoming week. With my eyes closed, I let my fingers wander, skimming over my skin like theirs had. After I slid them down and over my clit, the mental image of the boys together replayed in my mind, and I came hard. I didn’t expect the tears that chased my orgasm, and I rolled over quickly, burying my face in my pillow.  
    Several times through the night, I woke up from my restless sleep. My mind had been working overtime even when it was supposed to be resting. I finally realized the harder I fell for them, the deeper and more profound my shame would be at our situation, and the closer my self-esteem would be to shattering if they decided at some point they couldn’t or didn’t want to keep me around. Everything still felt completely right, and hell, I could tell just how much they cared for me, but I realized I would need to get a handle on my emotions before I went any further. The trick was, I had no idea how to do that.  
    ~
    I knocked at their door a few minutes late on Wednesday.
    “You know you don’t have to knock, dork,” Noah said, opening the door and letting me in.
    “Nice to see you too.” I kissed his cheek as I walked by, and he swatted my ass, making me laugh again.
    Jay was at the stove, and I walked up behind him and kissed his cheek, too. “Hi.”
    “Hey. How was your day?”
    “Too long. Sorry I’m late.”
    “Don’t worry, we managed to entertain ourselves.”
    I knew Noah’s comment wasn’t intended to make me feel left out, but it did, my anxiety and nausea brewing as Jay served up our dinner and we sat. The silence that followed as we ate only fueled my insecurities.
    My stomach had butterflies the entire time and not the good kind. I tried to think back to what my therapist and I had talked about on Monday. Yes, there would be moments like this, and if I wanted the potential of the relationship to work, I had to be honest with myself…and them. I also had to remember that just because they had a life outside of me didn’t mean they didn’t also want a life with me.  
    I took a deep breath and felt my shoulders relax a bit. “Thanks for cooking, Jay,” I said. “This was perfect. Exactly what I needed.”
    “My pleasure, m’dear.” He smiled back and squeezed my hand.  
    I hadn’t ever really felt cared for since I was a child, and seeing two gorgeous, loving men smiling at me reinforced every thought I’d had the previous weekend. I had to give “us” a try; if I took the coward’s route and ran, knowing exactly how all three of us felt, I would end up broken, perhaps permanently.
    “How’s the bakery?” I turned and asked Noah.
    He shrugged and rolled his eyes. “Too many cakes, not enough dough. But you know, it’s a labor of love, not a get-rich-quick scheme.”
    “You have such amazing creativity when you bake. Maybe I can come down and help you out sometime?”
    Both of them laughed, but Noah said he’d love that. I imagined us throwing puffs of flour at each other and eventually relocating to the floor for a quickie. Or maybe on the counter. Or his desk.
    “Cats or dogs?” Noah asked.  
    I laughed and blinked, refocusing on the random question instead of my dirty thoughts. I felt a little on trial, but not for murder…something more like petty theft. The consequences if I answered wrong weren’t catastrophic, just potentially annoying.
    “Both.”
    Noah narrowed his eyes, the rest of his face a blank slate. “You don’t like one more?”
    “Nope,” I said, smiling. “Love all the animals, actually.”
    “Tropical vacation or snowed-in cabin?” Jay asked.
    “As long as you guys are there, I’m game for either.”
    It was Jay’s turn to roll his eyes at me. “Come on, pick one! Stop being so damn agreeable and diplomatic.”
    “Okay, okay. Tropical beach. It wins with sun and sand and sexy board shorts. Oh, and those cute umbrella drinks.”
    They nodded and smiled.
    “No fireplaces, though,” Noah said.