Read Something I Can Never Have for Free Online

that hate. I took back what was mine. I took back my identity and my future. I took back my life by ending my parents’ miserable, sickening lives.
    Then someone came and helped me out. Someone older, a man who is from Solitary and seems to run it. He gave me another name and another life. He gave me an identity. And he showed me how I could be free.
    You’re right about Dr. Barlow. This man who helped me wasn’t Dr. Barlow.
    Dr. Barlow doesn’t exist. Yes, I can admit that now, now that I’ve seen the proof. The letters coming back, the highlighted novel. Dr. Barlow was an imaginary friend and doctor I had when I was young. I was an impressionable kid who grew up listening to heavy metal and reading Stephen King. A man named Barlow was the reclusive man living at the Marsten House in
Salem’s Lot
—the one who turned out to be a vampire and infect the entire town.
    When I was ten and eleven, and my stepfather decided that I looked a lot more interesting than my mother, I needed to escape. And escape I did. And what ended up happening was that people like Dr. Barlow became real to me. Why I chose him, I don’t know. Just a stupid kid making something up to escape. But I needed that. And back when I was young, I would’ve sworn on my life that Dr. Barlow was real.
    Something happened after we moved out here, Heidi. I don’t know what it was, but it triggered those childhood fears and anxieties. The ones you made sure I knew about, the imaginary behavior and the paranoia and all of that.
    It’s all been in my mind. All of this. Your supposed affair, the man I supposedly killed. I’m sorry that it took you this long before you shared the truth with me. I’m sorry that you’ve been living with a man who probably seems more like a monster. It’s just—there’s medication I can take and doctors—real ones—I can talk to.
    I’m going to get better, Heidi. I promise you.
    We need to go back to Solitary where my roots are so I can continue to heal and continue to do what I’ve been called to do. To be in front of people and give them a message. I know it will take time, but that healing can’t happen here. It needs to happen back in my home.
    I didn’t mean the words I said—the harm that would come to you if you told anybody else. It’s just—this is a family matter. It’s a delicate matter. And I have a disorder, Heidi. It’s treatable, but it’s not something that you can simply share with others. They won’t understand. They will only judge.
    Please don’t judge me anymore. I know that for some reason, I relapsed. Maybe it was memories and hurt that had been suppressed that suddenly came to the surface. Maybe it was the thought of losing you that got me afraid. I don’t know what triggered it. But I’ve been running in the wrong direction for some time. Not anymore. I’m okay now. Things are going to get better. When we get to Solitary, we will start a new life and build new connections and do what we’re supposed to do.
    I love you more than life itself. I can’t do this without you. I need you, Heidi. I need you to stay by my side during this turbulent time until things come back in place and we get our life in order.
    Thank you for the courage to stand up to me. Now I ask that you take that same courage and use it to remain at my side.
    I love you.
    Jeremiah

December 31, 1997
    Dear Mr. Kinner:
    This is a letter to confirm that we will be arriving in Solitary Monday, January 5. Thank you for your assistance in our move. And with everything else.
    We look forward to being back home. I look forward to seeing you again, and beginning the great work you have entrusted to me.
    Please tell Dr. Barlow that I will be arriving on this day as well.
    As for Heidi, she’s fine. She’s scared, but she’s faking it and she will be fine. We’re going to leave here unharmed and unmarked. I let myself go for a while, but that’s okay. Heidi thinks I’m being honest. She thinks that I’m going to get