room. There was no reason for her to feel such agitation. She had a vague recollection of Danny. Okay, so she knew Anthony a bit more intimately. But you could scarcely call a few kisses in a school yard intimacy. However much she told herself this, a little malevolent voice kept creeping into a corner of her mind and whispering ideas of guilt to her.
She felt some sort of action was called for and went back to the recycle bin for a second piece of paper. She found an old italic pen she had given to Junior and used this to write a neater list of names with street names attached.
Calvin's name first, then Maxie's.
She took care with each letter, doing the capitals with a flourish, curling the bottoms of the ems and ens. They deserved that much at least. She continued her list. She wrote the names, taking care to give them each a florid touch. Somehow she felt she owed them this. All the while Madie felt her sense of responsibility welling inside of her as each moment passed.
She glanced down at her italicised efforts. Her eyes roved over the twirls and curls but none of it made the men any less dead than she knew them to be. And now, in her mind's eye, faces materialised against each name on her carefully written list. They paraded before her. Her mind conjured up the most awful images, faces with skin and flesh decaying, eyeballs glaring at her from bony eye sockets, skulls with enough physical features to see the men they once were. The macabre images in her mind would not be quelled.
Now she found herself remembering the embarrassing encounter she once had with Andrew Carson.
Maybe Luis has done this. He came over all protective that time when he found me and Andrew kissing at that party. He even threatened to have my Bacardi Breezer analysed for that rape drug. Allie and I teased him for days afterwards. No, that’s ridiculous, it can’t be Luis. He wouldn’t hurt anyone. Allie's the one that disciplines the girls. Luis just likes to act tough in front of his friends. It’s probably ‘cos he’s outnumbered at home by all those girls. “Ruled by a petticoat government, that boy.” Mum used to say. I wish she was still around. She’d make sense of it all. No, not Luis. All me. Me.
The sense of guilt continued to blanket her mind. Every time she tried to push it away it would re-surface. Madie had a strong feeling that in some inexplicable way she had contributed to the deaths of all these men. As her mind tussled with the possible reasons; doing a merry-go-round swirl that threatened to make her sick to her stomach, the images continued to parade through her mind’s eye.
It’s too much of a coincidence, the way I knew them all. What is it I’m doing if it is though? It’s just all so weird. Crazy really, for me to feel responsible but I can’t shake the feeling. I just know it’s something to do with me. Yeah Madie, so totally un-conceited of you. Frankie would say it was me looking for attention. She always thought I was attention seeking. Oh mum, what am I going to do? Who can I talk to about this? Allie? Maybe if she was still single, but she’s got Luis and the children to think about. She doesn’t have time to deal with my strange fancies. Frankie’s completely out of the question. She always turns to me for advice; it’s never been the other way round. Hard to believe she’s the elder sister really. Brendan? No, no good. He's off in Manchester getting a B A in beer swilling as Allie calls it. Anyway, I can't be bothering my younger brother with my problems. He should be coming to me or Allie with his problems.
Madie considered the people who worked with her at the surgery. I don't really know any of them. Susan's nice enough but she's only been there a month and I don't get on with Maxine. Not to mention how the place is so busy it's difficult to get to know people. Or do I use that as an excuse? I run off to the coffee shop to read every chance I get. I haven't really given any of them a