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trekked! And traditionally, the stars of shows and films get more lines, more close-ups, and a slightly larger dressing room.
    My costars, however, seem to have crossed into a mirror universe due to a transporter malfunction, and they have flipped this hierarchy. Once, while posing for a publicity photo for one of the
Star Trek
movies, the photographer dared put me/Kirk front and center. And I very clearly heard Jimmy Doohan exclaim, “Why is he always up front? I’m tired of being in the back!”
    Keep in mind, Jimmy didn’t have a Scottish accent in real life, so remarks like that sounded much less charming.
    I have also been accused of “counting” lines. I won’t dignify this with an explanation, but if you count the lines of any given
Star Trek
script (not that I have), you can clearly see that Kirk has more lines than Scotty. Or so I have been told. Because Kirk is the main character. Not ego. Fact.
    That’s what I’ve been up against. And no one has held it against me more than George Takei.
    George buys into the stolen close-ups/lines stuff, and he also claims I kept his character from getting his own Federation starship in the movies. I remember a conversation we had quite clearly, as it was right before we shot one of the films.
     
    GEORGE: Bill, they’re giving me my own starship.
    WS: Why would you want that? All the action’s on the
Enterprise
.
    GEORGE: But . . . it will be
my
starship.
    My statement that “all the action’s on the
Enterprise
” later somehow constituted my ruining the commission chances of George/Sulu. George Takei obviously believes I’m a man of tremendous, limitless power. No wonder I have such a big, shiny ego!
    Anyway, George announced he was going to marry his longtime partner, Brad Altman, in 2008. I was very happy for him; it’s always wonderful when someone finds true love. And then promptly afterward, George announced I was not invited to the wedding.
    Should that announcement have been his first priority? Should that have even been an announcement?
    Shouldn’t he have been busy picking out a wedding DJ? Buying the rings? Constructing a William Shatner piñata for the reception?
    Well, needless to say, the only invitation I got from George was an invitation to a knock-down, drag-out fight in the tabloids. He later flip-flopped and said that I
had
been invited, but that I failed to RSVP.
    What can you do when confronted with such bizarre behavior? I just shrugged and said, “Oh my!” (There, George, I stole
that
from you. Happy?)
RULE: Always Invite Shatner to Your Wedding. He’ll Be Able to Negotiate “Love, Honor, and Obey” Down to “Like, Generally Respect, and Sure Thing, Whatevs!”
    George managed to generate a great deal of publicity for his marriage, and the wedding party looked like the speaker’s schedule at a Star Trek convention. Walter Koenig, Ensign Pavel Chekov, was George’s best man, while Lieutenant Uhura, Nichelle Nichols, was maid of honor. I can only assume that Yarnek, the rock creature, performed the ceremony and the Green Slave Girl from Orion was the ring bearer.
    These three actors have been engaged in a long-running plural marriage, tied together in blessed bonds of acrimony. Toward me. The wedding party featured a triumvirate of people who hate me. All sharing George’s special day.

    FUN FACTNER: If the Sulu from the animated Star Trek cartoon had gotten married, he would never have invited Chekov to his wedding because Chekov wasn’t even in the cartoon! (Seriously, George! Walter and not me?! Come on!)
    I had questions for these three. And like most people who have questions, I have a national television show on which to ask them.
    I asked George to be a guest on my program
Raw Nerve
, which is about to return for its third season on the Biography Channel. In fact, all the episodes are available on iTunes for $1.99 each. Why don’t we take a break in our narrative so that you, dear reader, can go and catch up on this edgy