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you’re going to refuse to answer but my Truth-ometer will get to the truth.’
    ‘Okay, ask away.’
    ‘Do you colour your hair, Mrs Trifle?’
    ‘That’s none of your business, young man!’ Mrs Trifle said.
    ‘You weren’t supposed to say anything,’ Dr Trifle objected. ‘If you said that, I’d know straight off that you did put colour in your hair. Now let’s try again. Do you colour your hair, Mrs Trifle?’
    Mrs Trifle sat silently, trying not to move her face. Suddenly the needle on one of the dials on the Truth-ometer shot to the top.
    ‘Ahah!’ Dr Trifle said. ‘You
do
colour your hair.’
    ‘But you already knew that. There’s a little bit of grey creeping in and I just made it creep back out again, that’s all.’
    ‘Well, yes, but look — the Stroppiness Indicator shot right up.’
    ‘The what?’
    ‘The dial that shows how you felt when I asked you the question. You got very stroppy, I could tell. It went up to eighty Huffs.’
    ‘Well why shouldn’t I colour my hair? They don’t put people in jail for that, do they?’
    ‘Of course not. Now let’s pretend you’re a bank robber and the police come to ask you questions. They’d give you a lie-detector test. “Did you rob that bank?” they’d ask. If you didn’t say anything they wouldn’t know if you did or not. But if they were using my Truth-ometer they’d know immediately.’
    ‘What other dials are there besides the Stroppy one?’
    ‘Well there’s the Smarminess Indicator — that one’s measured in Smirks. And there’s the Embarrassment Indicator — that one’s in Squirms. And, of course, the Gigglement Indicator, which is in Gigs.’
    ‘Gigs?’
    ‘Yes. You know like when you’re trying not to laugh and there are these tiny little bits of giggletrying to get out? Those are
Gigs.
Gigs aren’t actual giggles but sort of pre-giggles and with this invention I can not only detect them but measure them as well.’
    ‘I think I like this Truth-ometer,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘What a clever little person you are.’
    ‘Well thank you but it’s not quite right yet. I have to set the zeros on the dials.’
    ‘What do you mean?’
    ‘I need someone who will have
zero
feelings — someone who won’t feel anything at all when I ask them questions.’
    ‘Why not ask Selby your questions?’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘He won’t feel anything because he won’t know what you’re talking about.’
    ‘Ooops, I don’t like the sound of this,’ Selby thought.
    ‘What a fantastic idea!’ Dr Trifle said, putting a wire between the toes of each of Selby’s front paws.
    ‘Oh, no!’ Selby thought. ‘Why didn’t I go for a walk when I felt like going for a walk! Now he’s going to find out that I can understand people-talk! I know, I’ll try not to listen. I’ll just empty my mind.’
    ‘Okay,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘What do I ask him?’
    Mrs Trifle looked at the books she’d borrowed.
    ‘Why not ask him if he knows how to talk,’ she said, ‘like the dog in the books.’
    ‘Oh, no, not that!’ Selby thought. ‘That’s the last thing I want to be asked! Help! I’ve got to stay perfectly calm.’
    ‘Okay, Selby,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘Do you know how to talk?’
    ‘I didn’t hear that. I didn’t hear that,’ Selby thought, feeling his cheeks turning pink. ‘I didn’t hear him ask if I can talk. Now I’veactually said it to myself! How can I keep from feeling anything?! I’ve been keeping it a secret all these years! It’s just bursting to get out!’

    Dr Trifle was just about to turn the adjustment screws on the Truth-ometer dials when three of the needles flickered.
    ‘Did you see that?!’ Dr Trifle said. ‘He understood me!’
    ‘He can’t have,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Try it again.’
    Dr and Mrs Trifle bent down and looked Selby in the eyes.
    ‘I can’t stand it!’ Selby screamed in his brain. ‘They’re staring at me! It’s bad enough with the Truth-ometer but I can’t lie to them when