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ship rocked slightly, as if it was still being shot at by outside forces.
     
    “Oh, shit, right, the pirates,” continued First Lieutenant Duknerts. “We found the snitch and fed him to Wally, but we never did deal with the others. You know, the ones with the actual guns that are firing upon the Zdravo.”
     
    “Poppycock,” replied Captain Tyler. “They ran out of Proton Disaster Beams and other harmful ammo quite some time ago. They’re firing trash at us now. I think I saw a toaster.”
     
    “That doesn’t sound too bad, then.”
     
    “I’ve grown quite fond of the sounds actually. Reminds me of doing the do.”
     
    “What?”
     
    “The do, chap. The horizontal rhumba. The sticky pogo. Plundering the forbidden valley. Scrumping. Ramming your twig and berries into whatever will have you.”
     
    “That... I don’t...”
     
    At that moment, Dr. Porniviriyakul entered the bridge, a little out of breath.
     
    “Speak of the devil,” exclaimed Captain Tyler.
     
    “There you are, you son of a bitch,” said Dr. Porniviriyakul, glaring at the captain.
     
    “Oh, no,” said First Lieutenant Duknerts.
     
    “We fixed the captain up and then he darted out of sick bay,” explained Dr. Porniviriyakul. “I’ve been searching the whole ship for him.”
     
    “So you did this,” asked Duknerts, raising an eyebrow and pointing a thumb at the captain, “on purpose?”
     
    “Don’t put this shit on me. This was all that crazy nurse’s doing. I voted to leave him dead.”
     
    “Understandably. But you didn’t and now I don’t have to run this show anymore. So at least there’s that.”
     
    Dr. Porniviriyakul sighed, angrily.
     
    “I guess I should go thank Nurse Sidemanner for saving the captain’s life,” continued First Lieutenant Duknerts.
     
    “Yeah, good luck with that,” replied Dr. Porniviriyakul.
     
    “What? How come?”
     
    Captain Tyler hopped on top of the navigation console and shouted, “Because I’ve got her brain!”
     
    “But... she wasn’t British.”
     
    “Yeah, I... I don’t know what happened there,” replied Dr. Porniviriyakul. “She performed most of the procedure. I just stitched his head shut.”
     
    “How did... Can someone even...?”
     
    “She was a really good nurse.”
     
    “She’s dead?”
     
    “Her skull is now my candy bowl.”
     
    Just then, Private Yvette Redshirt appeared at Dr. Porniviriyakul’s side, clawing at his shoulders, her leg wrapped around his.
     
    “Oh, baby...”
     
    “Would someone like to explain this?” replied the good doctor.
     
    “Yvette!” shouted First Lieutenant Duknerts. “I thought we had something special!”
     
    “We did,” replied the private. “But then you took a shower. And I don’t remember you saying anything about a collection of skulls.”
     
    “That’s your criteria now?!”
     
    “Skulls hold brains, it’s all related.”
     
    “You appear to have been cuckolded, Duknerts! Doubt you saw that coming,” said Captain Tyler.
     
    “And I doubt you saw this!” replied the first lieutenant, pulling his gun and firing a shot straight into Captain Tyler’s head. He then ran over, pulled a hunting knife out of his boot, and removed the captain’s brain. Then he cut Tyler’s stomach open, removing his intestines and wearing them like a scarf. Then he laughed maniacally.
     
    “Oh... oh my God,” said Private Redshirt, her knees trembling. “That is the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”
     
    “Okay, screw this,” said Dr. Porniviriyakul. “I’ll be in my lab.”
     

     
    Dr. Emmanuel Sodomy couldn’t have returned to the Zdravo at a better time. He tipped his space taxi driver, walked into his lab, and found two corpses waiting for him. The doctor sighed. Then he removed the beer can from Captain Tyler’s original brain, rinsed it off, and inserted it back in the captain’s head.
     
    Unfortunately, Dr. Sodomy could not save Nurse Sidemanner, as Dr. Porniviriyakul had