Read Screw the Universe for Free Online Page B

already severed her head from her spine. Also, her brain had a laser hole through it. And it had been inside of Private Redshirt. Don’t ask.
     
    “So,” Dr. Sodomy queried the captain, having revived him with a car battery, “everything good?”
     
    “I think so,” said Captain Tyler, “although I miss the Australian accent.”
     
    “It wasn’t Australian.”
     
    “Are you sure?”
     
    “Well, no, that’s just what the note said.”
     
    “The note?”
     
    “The crew left a Post-It on your chest, summing up what I missed.”
     
    “Have you considered that they lied to you?”
     
    “The entire crew?”
     
    “Yes. They do it to me all the time.”
     
    “But you’re the captain.”
     
    “I don’t follow...”
     
    “Okay...” said Dr. Sodomy.
     
    “I like you, Sodomy,” said the captain. “I’ll be keeping an eye out for you.”
     
    “Thank you, sir. Now, what say we get Wally over to Federation headquarters?”
     
    “Who to the where?”
     
    “Wally? The giant devil bear roaming our ship? We’re supposed to get him to Federation headquarters. That was our mission.”
     
    “Oh, right, right,” replied Captain Tyler. “We should – oh, shit! What about the pirates?”
     
    “My taxi driver took care of them for us actually,” said Dr. Sodomy. “They accidentally dinged his cab with a rice cooker so he flew over and shot them all in the face. And then he set their ship on fire.”
     
    “In outer space?”
     
    “He really loved that cab. Apparently if you’re pissed off enough you can start a fire in a vacuum.”
     
    “Speaking of vacuuming,” said Captain Tyler, “don’t you think we should get someone in here to take care of Nurse Sidemanner’s decapitated body?”
     
    “Uh,” said Dr. Sodomy, “yeah. I’ll, um, get someone to take care of that... in a minute. I need to run some tests... or something.”
     
    Captain Tyler looked Sodomy in the eyes. Sodomy winked.
     
    “I knew I liked you, doc.”
     

     
    “So that’s the story, Marshal Orr,” said Captain Tyler, clapping the marshal on the shoulder. “Where’s my medal?”
     
    “Why would you get a medal,” replied the marshal. “It was a routine mission. And you barely completed it.”
     
    “But I died during it! Twice!”
     
    “So?”
     
    “I got a medal last time!”
     
    “Posthumously! Then you came back.”
     
    “So, do it again!”
     
    “I can’t award you a medal for being dead when you’re still alive, that’s not how it works.”
     
    “Fine!” screamed Tyler, pulling out his laser pistol and firing it up his nose.
     
    “You can’t get a medal if you commit suicide, you idiot!”
     
    But his warning was too late. Or possibly on time. It’s hard to say, Tyler was a little dense. In any event, Space Marshal Orr was left nudging Captain Tyler’s lifeless body with his foot.
     
    “Fuck,” he said. “Someone get me Sodomy! We need Tyler alive if we want to make things copasetic with the Neptunian Devil Bear Union.”
     

     
    “Yeah, it’s... it’s gonna take at least an hour, maybe two,” said Dr. Sodomy. “I haven’t eaten lunch yet.”
     
    “The conference is in ten minutes!” shouted Marshal Orr. “Wally can’t receive an apology from a corpse!”
     
    “Can’t?” asked Dr. Porniviriyakul, stepping into the room. “Or shouldn’t?”
     
    “What? Can’t,” replied the marshal. “If you can find a way to get a dead man to give a speech I’d love to see it.”
     
    “You shouldn’t have said that out loud,” replied Dr. Sodomy, shaking his head.
     

     
    “And so, in closing, I am a colossal fuck up,” said Dr. Porniviriyakul into the microphone that was connected to a speaker inside the mouth of Captain Tyler. “Like, seriously, huge. I should be demoted. I am the dumbest motherfucker in the universe.”
     
    Dr. Sodomy pulled a string and the Tyler corpse-puppet saluted the audience. Then he pulled a few more strings and Tyler appeared