knew who their friend was, if they had any idea of the double life he’d led. Whatever he was to them, he was more to her. She was his secret. But even as she tried to convince herself, the words of his suicide note to his wife kept coming back. I love you forever, always have … That’s what had brought her to the funeral, to catch a glimpse of his other life, the family he’d adored.
As the heavy church doors opened, the strains of the organ and the congregation singing swelled out and up into the leaden sky. The priest and altar boys emerged, and behind them Tony’s dark oak coffin, carried on the shoulders of half a dozen men. At the front was Frank Paton, and the sight of his face flushed and tear-stained as he carried his friend brought tears to Tanya’s eyes. We were the wide-eyed students who were going to change the world … Tony had written in his letter to Frank. He had told her how Frank and him had been friends since university – closer than brothers, he’d said.
Tanya watched as they came down the steps, her heart in turmoil. Then she saw his wife, sobbing as she was supported by a beautiful young girl, and a teenage boy so much the image of Tony that it took her breath away. And for the very first time, the truth cut through her like a knife. These three people, their faces etched with grief, their lives changed forever: they were what Tony was all about. She was nothing. She was sex in the afternoon in a cheap hotel room.
Suddenly it hit home to her that all the promises, all the plans they’d made were nothing. Shame washed over her. She had kidded herself that she’d moved on from an escort girl to a woman who was loved and cherished. She’d imagined Tony’s wife was dowdy and boring, that he’d grown tired of her and only stayed with her for the children. But now she was confronted by this beautiful, elegant woman in black, her eyes puffy from crying, sobbing as her husband’s coffin was placed into the hearse. This was all that mattered. And Tanya had robbed her of the final words from her husband before he took his life. She had to make amends. She knew where Tony lived, having sneaked there a long time ago for a fleeting glance at the big turreted house in a wealthy suburb of the city, where she now realised he belonged. She slunk away as the church emptied.
*
Tanya could hear the televison blaring as she got to the top step of her block of flats in Maryhill. She knew even before she put the key in her door what she would find. She let herself in and there he was, snoring, surrounded by three or four empty lager cans and a quarter bottle of vodka. She switched off the television, went straight into the kitchen with her bags of shopping, and began preparing dinner.
Half an hour later, as Tanya strained a pot of potatoes into the sink she heard the television blaring again. He was up. She braced herself, waiting to hear what he was going to moan about tonight so he could pick a fight.
‘Where were you?’ Josef stood leaning on the doorframe, smoking. ‘Thought you weren’t working today.’
‘I was just walking in the city. I went to the library.’ Tanya glanced at him as she set the table. She could see his simmering rage and her stomach knotted.
‘The library?’ Josef snorted. ‘Walking in the city I can understand – that’s what whores like you do – but the library? What the fuck you do in the library? Looking for books about whores?’
Tanya didn’t answer. She turned away from him and went to the cooker. She took sausages from the frying pan and put them on the plates along with potatoes and beans. She placed them on the table and sat down without looking at him.
‘What the fuck is this?’ He sat down.
Tanya put down her knife and fork. ‘It’s all we have, Josef.’ She looked at him. ‘I told you, I haven’t workedthis week. The lawyer’s office is closed since … since the death. Mr Frank said he will pay me, but it won’t be until later