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bed tonight feeling so very alone?

Monday, February 14, 2011
    O nce again it’s Valentine’s Day.
    Josh and Ricco both sent me roses. Ricco attached a nice note about celebrating my new career. Josh signed his “your friendly fuck buddy.” I cringed. Mark didn’t give me anything. He was just Mark, forever sexy and enthralling, and judgmental, and too many other things to list. Mary gave me the cold shoulder. Ralph stole two roses from me for his desk. I worked late and locked up the gallery. When I exited, a car was waiting for me. To my surprise when I got inside, he was there. He fucked me right there, in front of the gallery, with the driver inside. I let the man in the front seat watch. I let him hear me moan. I just . . . did. I don’t even talk about my sex life, but I let a stranger watch me fuck another man.
    And when it was over and I was delivered to my door, my “Master” handed me a package that is now sitting in front of me on my bed. Inside, I found a contract. I’d be submissive to my “Master.” He’d control me. There is a long list of things he’d expect of me. The note inside promised that we’d negotiate details, but it also said that I have to instigate the next meeting, so that he knows I really want this. And when I do, I should wear the gift included in my package. It’s a gorgeous rose-shaped gold ring I found nestled in a velvet box. The note attached to it read, “Wearing it means you belong to me.”
    I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I feel, and I have no one to talk to. Even if I did, how do I talk to someone about this? I’ve sat here doing internet searches on BDSM relationships, but I’ve done this many times before.
    Now, I’m sitting here listening to the Dr. Kat Sex Talk show as callers ask her questions about sex and relationships, and I am actually tempted to call. But I can’t. I don’t talk to people about my private life. And I sure don’t talk on public radio.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011
    S ilence. The ball is in my court. He really does seem to expect me to go to him now and pursue the contract. I am still confused and uncertain about what I want. I’m sitting on my bed, listening to Dr. Kat again, and I like her. She is fun and honest, and makes sense when she responds to people. I am almost desperate enough to dial the number provided, and use an alias, though I expect the callers are lined up long in advance. But maybe I’ll try . . .
    Yes. I think I’ll try.
    “ W elcome to the Dr. Kat show. What’s your question?”
    “A man has asked me to enter into a BDSM relationship with him and this is new to me,” I told her. “I’m not sure how to be certain that it’s right for me.”
    “Is this your first BDSM experience?”
    “Yes. Yes, it is.”
    “Well then, it’s normal to feel uncertain. Will you be bottom or top?”
    “Bottom or top?”
    “Are you the submissive?”
    “Yes.”
    “And how do you feel about that?”
    My reply was speedy. “I’ve never thought of myself as submissive, but he says I need an outlet where I don’t have to be in control.”
    “Do you?”
    “I didn’t, but now . . . maybe.”
    “What’s your hesitation? Is he pressuring you to do things you aren’t comfortable with?”
    “No. He’s given me space and time to make this decision.”
    “That’s good,” Dr. Kat said with approval. “That’s how it should be, but you’re still hesitating. Why?”
    “I’m afraid of losing who I am, and being only what he lets me be.”
    “It sounds like you’re afraid of losing control. For many people, giving away control in a safe BDSM environment can actually help them get over this fear. It sounds like you’re drawn to the idea.”
    “Yes . . . yes, I think I am, but I’m nervous.”
    “The important thing is to set limits, the things you won’t tolerate. Talk to him, and if he won’t agree to those limits, then you need to consider if this is right for you. He only has control