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for TV, but if you have any problems or concerns, don’t hesitate to come tell me.” Abby and Mike seemed grateful for his consideration, and I was impressed by it. Most directors don’t check their egos at the door, and by offering to compromise his vision of the show for Mike and Abby, that’s exactly what Howie was doing.
    Addressing everyone again, he continued, “As for the rest of you, I’m going to need you to bring your all today. I expect concise concession to direction and an open mind and attitude. You’re not here for you, you’re here for us. Understand that or leave, but whatever decision you make, do it now.”
    People looked at one another, but no one said a word or made a move to leave. Obviously, despite Howie’s illusion of a choice, there was really only one decision to be made.
    “Great!” he cheered, surreptitiously congratulating us all on not being ginormous idiots.
    “It’s going to be a long day, so settle in. Ryder, Easie, get ready for the opening, maybe have a little chat about specifics and timing now while we get the lighting right. Go ahead and stand on your marks.”
    After a brief pause of unpreparedness, everyone scattered, moving to do their jobs and taking their positions behind specific equipment. Ryder and I both moved to our marks, and I made a promise to let his earlier words go and start over. Howie was right. Today was going to be a long day, and stressing over Ryder’s brash come-ons would only make it feel longer.
    “Let me guess,” Ryder jeered before I could say one word. “You want to talk the whole thing out, plan our every move.”
    God, this guy was a dick. And just because I didn’t immediately invite him to wrap my tits around his two inch cock, he was under the impression that I was some kind of uptight shrew.
    Fine.
    “Nope.”
    “No?”
    “ No, ” I confirmed with emphasis. “I’m good. More than ready to do this.”
    Looking down at the script in my hands, I studied the talking points, familiarizing myself and preparing. I pointedly avoided any and all contact with the Micropenis, and instead, used my time to line up my thoughts and improvisational ideas. If he couldn’t keep up, that’d be all the better. And if he could, well, I guess that’d be good for the show.
    Blue, green, red, and orange lights strobed and adjusted to produce a glow on my skin, and after several minutes of moving around, finally settled into what I guessed was the optimal filming position.
    Lingering techies cleared the set, and Howie’s eyes came to his stars. “Ready?”
    “Yes, sir,” I agreed respectfully with a nod, eliciting a snort of sorts from my new arch nemesis.
    “Good,” Howie remarked, largely ignoring the snort but giving Ryder a meaningful look. “In the final cut, this will follow the intro music and graphics and is meant to not only introduce viewers to you, but to the specific episode. As much as this show is about the circumstances, or quirks, if you will, it’s going to be more about the two of you. You’ll be there telling every story, so it’s important the viewers connect with each of you as individuals.” He chuckled a little. “In other words, be charming.”
    With one last smile, he moved to his place behind the playback screen and signaled the beginning of the end. This was it. The first episode. The first roll of the camera.
    The first day of the rest of my life.

    “Come on, Sweetheart. I know the situation isn’t ideal, but you have to push,” Mike (Ryder) coached me for effect.
    We’d been going at this for hours—pretending to have sex, making weird clown giggles, and talking to Mike and Abby about what had actually gone down the day their daughter was born—and I had officially reached my Ryder-tolerating limit.
    “What makes you think pushing a miniature human out of my vagina without the help of drugs or the expertise of a doctor isn’t ideal, Mike?” I asked sarcastically as I pushed the sweat-soaked hair off of