said in between bites.
Doing my best to hide the shock from my face, I answered, "Pamela, my supervisor is really happy with my work so far. She said the clients have grown attached to me. She wants to review me again after the huge musical performance in a few months, but overall I was given an excellent rating."
"Congratulations."
"She wants me to get started on planning the show later this week. I need to come up with a theme, but that shouldn't be too hard. Plus, we have a spring dance and I'm in charge of that."
"Sounds like you'll be busy," she said.
"Yeah, sounds like it," I said, pushing the taco meat around my plate.
"I'm happy for you." My mom's half smile pinches more than normal on her cheeks.
"Thanks," I said, unable to look up from my plate, afraid my sadness would show.
"I'm…I'm trying, Hadley. I know things aren't the same. But, I'm trying."
Mom ran her fingers through her hair as I looked up into her eyes. This was the first time she had ever said anything at all about what we used to be, what we used to have. It had always been left unsaid, packed into a little box that neither of us was comfortable opening. But, she'd lifted the lid and I was grateful.
I nodded, smiling softly and wishing I could jump up from my seat and hug her. But, this was a big step for my mother and I didn't want to scare her.
So desperately, though, I wished the old Allison was sitting in front of me. I needed to talk to that Allison about the thoughts running through my head, since I saw Jason at Beans coffee shop. I couldn't get him out of my head. I needed my mom to reassure me that it was nothing. That I was just being transported back to a time of innocence, when Jason was my infatuation. She'd remind me that I'd been with Tucker for years because he was a good match for me. We had similar ambitions and determined personalities. She'd remind me of how much he was there for me when Dad received his diagnosis. But, this Allison didn't do that. This Allison just wanted to get through the day. I had lost my dad and my mother was unrecognizable to me. But, as she tilted her head and looked me in the eyes, I saw a small glimmer of the Allison Foster I used to know and it gave me hope, the tiniest bit of hope. And that was enough for now.
Later, when Tucker called, I felt hopeful. We'd been drifting apart and I wasn't sure how to feel about it. Part of me was clinging to the boyfriend I'd had for six years. The boy who held my hand as they buried my father. The boy who held my hair when I was so suffocated by my grief that vomiting was the only way I could express my sadness. But, that boy changed. He was focused on his career and was not as patient as he used to be. As a result, we were disconnected. Part of me knew that he no longer saw me as a part of his future. And I couldn't help feeling like I was hanging on to something that might no longer exist.
"Any New Year's plans yet?" Tucker sounded upbeat.
"You know I wouldn't plan anything without you."
"Well, I have something planned."
" Excuse me ?" It was impossible for me to hide the irritation in my voice. Was he planning to spend New Year's without me? Maybe this was the beginning of our end. Just as I was about to speak my mind, he interrupted.
"I was thinking we could stay at a bed and breakfast in Lake Geneva. We could stay for two nights and celebrate New Year's at one of the restaurants near the marina."
"Oh," I paused, "that sounds nice."
I was placated, feeling grateful for his thoughtfulness and hopeful that maybe a weekend away was all we needed to be former versions of ourselves. The ones who fell hopelessly in love.
Confusion spread through me though, as I had to be honest with myself. I was thinking about a certain best friend's brother and I was terrified of what Auden would think. Not that I thought she'd disapprove of my having feelings for her brother again. But, I worried she'd think I was just being silly—that I was using this
Doing my best to hide the shock from my face, I answered, "Pamela, my supervisor is really happy with my work so far. She said the clients have grown attached to me. She wants to review me again after the huge musical performance in a few months, but overall I was given an excellent rating."
"Congratulations."
"She wants me to get started on planning the show later this week. I need to come up with a theme, but that shouldn't be too hard. Plus, we have a spring dance and I'm in charge of that."
"Sounds like you'll be busy," she said.
"Yeah, sounds like it," I said, pushing the taco meat around my plate.
"I'm happy for you." My mom's half smile pinches more than normal on her cheeks.
"Thanks," I said, unable to look up from my plate, afraid my sadness would show.
"I'm…I'm trying, Hadley. I know things aren't the same. But, I'm trying."
Mom ran her fingers through her hair as I looked up into her eyes. This was the first time she had ever said anything at all about what we used to be, what we used to have. It had always been left unsaid, packed into a little box that neither of us was comfortable opening. But, she'd lifted the lid and I was grateful.
I nodded, smiling softly and wishing I could jump up from my seat and hug her. But, this was a big step for my mother and I didn't want to scare her.
So desperately, though, I wished the old Allison was sitting in front of me. I needed to talk to that Allison about the thoughts running through my head, since I saw Jason at Beans coffee shop. I couldn't get him out of my head. I needed my mom to reassure me that it was nothing. That I was just being transported back to a time of innocence, when Jason was my infatuation. She'd remind me that I'd been with Tucker for years because he was a good match for me. We had similar ambitions and determined personalities. She'd remind me of how much he was there for me when Dad received his diagnosis. But, this Allison didn't do that. This Allison just wanted to get through the day. I had lost my dad and my mother was unrecognizable to me. But, as she tilted her head and looked me in the eyes, I saw a small glimmer of the Allison Foster I used to know and it gave me hope, the tiniest bit of hope. And that was enough for now.
Later, when Tucker called, I felt hopeful. We'd been drifting apart and I wasn't sure how to feel about it. Part of me was clinging to the boyfriend I'd had for six years. The boy who held my hand as they buried my father. The boy who held my hair when I was so suffocated by my grief that vomiting was the only way I could express my sadness. But, that boy changed. He was focused on his career and was not as patient as he used to be. As a result, we were disconnected. Part of me knew that he no longer saw me as a part of his future. And I couldn't help feeling like I was hanging on to something that might no longer exist.
"Any New Year's plans yet?" Tucker sounded upbeat.
"You know I wouldn't plan anything without you."
"Well, I have something planned."
" Excuse me ?" It was impossible for me to hide the irritation in my voice. Was he planning to spend New Year's without me? Maybe this was the beginning of our end. Just as I was about to speak my mind, he interrupted.
"I was thinking we could stay at a bed and breakfast in Lake Geneva. We could stay for two nights and celebrate New Year's at one of the restaurants near the marina."
"Oh," I paused, "that sounds nice."
I was placated, feeling grateful for his thoughtfulness and hopeful that maybe a weekend away was all we needed to be former versions of ourselves. The ones who fell hopelessly in love.
Confusion spread through me though, as I had to be honest with myself. I was thinking about a certain best friend's brother and I was terrified of what Auden would think. Not that I thought she'd disapprove of my having feelings for her brother again. But, I worried she'd think I was just being silly—that I was using this
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