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first time I was with Brad, I stayed focused on the present, on him, and how incredible he made me feel.
    I could feel his intense gaze on me earlier even before I looked up. My body reacts to his presence. Just his voice almost made me come undone. I need to put a stop to things getting more out of hand than they already are. I need distance. I was stupid to have thought I could have something casual with him seeing as how he affects me, mind, body, and soul. There’s something between us, a deep connection, as if we were supposed to find each other in this life.
    At first, I thought I was safe with him because I had heard how he used women to pass the time away. When he was done he was done, nothing messy. Our relationship was supposed to be only physical, a release, and a distraction. Somehow it has never been just that, though. We go out to dinner, concerts, and movies. I’m not seeing anyone else, nor do I want to, and neither is Brad.
    Jesus, are we dating?
    My intention was to keep turning him down until he got bored and moved on, but he was relentless with his flirting, his sweetness, and charm. He turned out to be more than I expected. Brad makes me feel special, wanted, and connected to someone. I haven’t felt any of those things since before my mom got sick. One day I gave in and kissed him. Since then it’s been a constant struggle to keep him at arm’s length because I crave him and I’m scared to death I’m starting to need him. But I can’t have him.
    Self-harming helps me keep my emotions under control. Since Brad and I started being friends with benefits, it’s become harder to keep my emotions in check. Only a couple of weeks into our “arrangement ” we were ending a meeting with a very attractive middle-aged female client. As we left the conference room I noticed she slipped her hand under his jacket and placed it on his ass. He didn’t react at all. He simply stepped away from her reach. The intensity of my anger and jealousy surprised me. I hadn’t felt anything that strong in a long time. My first instinct was to grab her and start yanking her bleached blond hair out. Of course, I didn’t. I went into the bathroom and plucked as many strands out of my head as needed until I calmed down. I pull my hair when I’m away from home instead of banging my head. It’s a quick fix and takes the edge off of my anxiety without drawing attention. I just pop into a restroom or close my office door, and pull as many strands as needed to get numb. I knew I should have ended things with him before now, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
    I walk into my office and grab my cell. I have to do something to show Brad that there is no point in him making an effort with me. He wouldn’t give up simply because I ask him to. Besides, deep down I don’t think I’m strong enough to keep him at arm’s length for very long. I hadn’t done a very good job of that before and that’s why I’m in this mess. I glance at the time before scrolling through the numbers in my phone. He picks up on the second ring.
    “Hey, you just made my day,” he says in his deep baritone.
    “Hey Ten. I hope I’m not catching you at a bad time.”
    “Mabry, there’s never a bad time when you’re involved.” Ten is a bit much, but still he’s nice enough.
    “I know it’s late to be asking you this, but I was wondering if you had any plans for tonight?” My voice is a little louder than normal. I glance up at my open door, hoping Brad overhears.
    “Um… I did, but I’ll change them.”
    “No, you don’t have to do that.”
    “Mabry, I was just going to hang out with some friends, but I’d much rather spend the night with you.” I can hear the smile of self-satisfaction in his voice. He really is kind of a douche.
    “Okay, I still have about a half hour left of work to finish, how about you come by the office and we can walk to one of the nearby restaurants.”
    “Sounds great,” he responds.
    “Great, I’ll