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two movie idols: Jane Powell and Barbara Stanwyck (weep, Yma Sumac, over the
     range of Helen Clark!). I could be as moved by
Song of the Open Road
as by
The
     Strange Love of Martha Ivers
; by
Rich, Young, and Pretty
,
A Date with
     Judy
,
Luxury Liner
, and
Small Town Girl
as by
Double
     Indemnity
and
Sorry, Wrong Number
.
Nu
, what moves you kids? Road Runner and
     Coyote!
    Wapshot-on-the-Chronicle, Mass.
    What ever happened to Toughie Brasuhn?
    Baltimore
    I wonder if the sign I used to see on Spruce Street is still
     there? It read: LITTLE FRIENDS DAY SCHOOL. I always expected a bunch of dwarf
     Quakers to run out of the building.
    Denver
    Scene:
Overbrook High School homeroom. Brenda
     Schaeffer is telling her classmates Arlene Melnick and Helen Clark about her weekend. How
     she and her family were invited for Friday-night dinner to the home of a business
     acquaintance of her father. How at this house, a little old lady with the burning eyes of a
     fanatic was lighting candles. How this same L.O.L., when she lit the candles, did this also.
(She demonstrates for Arlene and Helen, drawing her arms toward herself over the
     imaginary flame of the imaginary candle.)
“Now, what was that all about?” says
     Brenda, daughter of the biggest pretzel maker in Wynnefield (it was her sacred duty to
     provide free pretzels for all her friends’ pajama parties). Arlene shakes her head like an
     ignorant
shiksa
. It is left for Helen the
shvartze
to explain to these
apikorsim
the
     tradition of the
shabbes
candles. “Oh,” says Brenda, her curiosity quenched, her religiosity
     quashed, “I just thought it was some weird European way of warming your hands.”
    Cincinnati
    My Worst School Assignment: Mr. Storch, criminally insane
     English teacher, told our class that we should get to know our city more intimately. “I
     volunteer to fuck Market Street,” whispered Joey Hershkowitz, class clown. This was my
     assignment: to do a first-hand report on all the statues in center city, from river to
     river, from Vine to Pine. Yes, he did mean first hand. Yes, “river to river” did refer to
     our beloved Schuylkill and our renowned Delaware. Yes, Vine Street is not exactly cheek by
     jowl with Pine Street. Yes, it was the dead of winter. Yes, I did freeze my
kishkas
. Yes, Storch is probably still at large in the Philadelphia school
     system.
    New York
    Advantages Philadelphia Has Over New York: Fairmount Park (more than four
     times bigger and better than Central Park). The park’s colonial houses: Strawberry Mansion,
     Lemon Hill, Belmont Mansion. The weeping cherry trees of George’s Hill, the Playhouse in the
     Park, Robin Hood Dell. Hoagies (more than four times better than heroes). Steak sandwiches
     (they don’t make them here the way they do at home: layers of paper-thin beef smothered in
     grilled onions; melted cheese, optional; catsup, yet another option!). People who wait for
     you to get off the subway before they try to get on. Smoking on the subway platform. Row
     houses. The Philadelphia Orchestra. Mustard pretzels
with
mustard (in New
     York—would you believe?—they sell mustard pretzels
plain
). Red and white police
     cars so you can shout, “Look out, the red devil’s coming!”
    Things I Miss About Philadelphia That Are Long Gone: Woodside Amusement
     Park. The Mastbaum movie theater. The Chinese Wall. Schuylkill Punch (no soup in the country
     is as chunky, as stick-to-your-ribs as the witches’ brew we called water). The raspy spiel
     of a huckster named Jesus.
    Detroit
    We have had two ashtrays for as long as I can remember. One
     says:
Honi soit qui mal y pense
. The other one is my favorite. It says:
De robe
     flétrie/nul ne souci
. The
flêtrie
ashtray is off-white ceramic. Two brown
     slashes at each of the corners accent the four depressions for cigarettes. Rounded red and
     green leaves sprig each of the four rim sections. The message is on the floor of the
     ashtray; it is painted in two