Read One Voice 02 - Here Without You for Free Online Page B

the high school One Voice club, and he stayed on the outskirts of the group—involved but reserved. I knew this behavior was caused by the leftover fear that he couldn’t get rid of because he’d been targeted by bullies for the majority of his school years. Nate had actually been one of the most involved members in high school, totally down for every event we planned. He’d done a lot of the driving, legwork, and lifting. Once it had become clear to him that his voice was as important as others, he’d even volunteered his thoughts. Not often but often enough.
    Now I’m going to take the opportunity to handle this entry as a regular One Voice blog post. So I’ll point out a few things that are important. In One Voice, all voices—quiet and reserved, lively and determined, questioning and critical—are welcome. Every voice simply represents a population of people whose words or quiet presence needs to be recognized. No matter if you join One Voice to sit, listen, and nod, to carry our table and wave our banner in the quad, or to take charge of an activity, you are vital to making the goals of this club happen.
    Everybody who is open minded and welcoming to others, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, is welcome here in One Voice. Although we are “One Voice,” we are comprised of many varied, individual voices.

5
    N ATE ’ S D IARY
     
     
    August 30
     
    S EEMS LIKE I just can’t get my head outta my ass. Nah. What I mean is, I can’t figure out how to find that place in my head where it feels like everything’s gonna be all right.
    It’s cuz I miss those guys. So I’m mostly sure I ain’t losin’ my mind or nothin’.
    I can feel the missin’ ’em in my bones, and it makes my bones ache like I got the flu. It’s like I can see my guys in front of my eyes every time I blink. I see ’em doin’ their own thing, livin’ their college lives without me, growin’ smarter and better by the second. Even though the smarter part of me knows that ain’t what they’re doin’, cuz they’re missin’ the hell outta me too. And when I lay in my bed at night, I can smell ’em and taste ’em and hear all of their squeaky sounds when I love them. Just like I was still with ’em. But I’m not.
    Casey and Zander. Casey and Zander. My Casey and my Zander.
    Them two guys are my life. So how’d I get stuck all alone in this fuckin’ small, fuckin’ dismal town, two hours north of ’em?
    It’s like, over and over I have to friggin’ remind myself how much Cindy needs me. Gotta tell myself that she needs me here day and night. It seems like I’m feelin’ more pissed off about it than I’m feelin’ big-brother protective, like I oughtta be. Without me here, let’s face facts, Cindy’s basically up shit creek, not a paddle in sight. Gotta wonder if she keeps the drama goin’ with Uncle Rich just to keep me around. She knows real good that I won’t leave her alone here if I think she’s in danger.
    So I’m gonna drag my ass outta bed, make me and her a decent breakfast, and fake a good-mornin’-how-about-a-glass-of-OJ smile to get her started on the right foot.
    Four years. See, it’s like this. Cindy’s a freshman in high school. I gotta stick it out here, watch out for her ass, for four more years.
    Then I can join up with them two in Boston and maybe sort out my own life.
    If they still wanna let me join up with ’em at that point.
     
     
    C ASEY ’ S REAL LIFE
     
    I T WAS turning into a habit. When Zander and I had something monumental to discuss with Nate, we called ahead and set up a “Skype appointment” for when he got home from work. At the agreed-upon time, we’d lean against the wall behind Zander’s bed, set up the laptop on his knees, and Skype Nate. We’d hem and haw for a few minutes, make some meaningless small talk for a few more minutes, and then we’d lay the topic, whatever it was, out there.
    It felt a bit like two against one. I worried that maybe he