Read One Dead Drag Queen for Free Online

could be watching me right now.” I glanced around at the still-darkened buildings and the shadows under the el that might not dissipate even in the brightest light of day. “This is more immediate than all the threats during the season. What am I supposed to do now?”
    “You could obsess about it, but what’s the point? You’re already alert and wary.” McCutcheon and I talked as we got into his Hummer and headed toward Lake Shore Drive. “Think about it this way. Most likely they were after the abortion clinic. It’s unlikely that it’s about you or Tom.”
    “But not impossible.”
    “No, not impossible.” McCutcheon wasn’t as dismissive as Jantoro, but he was in the same ballpark.
    “Remember, I was specifically threatened, Tom’s truckwas blown up, and my lover is in the hospital. That’s one hell of a lot of coincidences. Sounds like more than random chance to me.”
    “You really think they blew up an entire city block to make you miserable?”
    “Well, if you put it that way, no, except—”
    “Specifically personal terrorism isn’t the general rule. Bomb the clinic. Add a couple of secondary explosions. For a terrorist that’s all in a day’s work. People in the crowd recognize you, which happens often. Someone who recognizes you doesn’t like you. They make a threat. Most likely an idle threat. If it scared you—”
    “It did.”
    “—then he accomplished his purpose. The more you sit and brood the worse it gets.”
    “But specific terrorism does happen. Look at those doctors who worked at clinics. They got murdered.”
    “But this wasn’t an individual assassination. If someone really wanted to kill you, they’d probably succeed.”
    “Then why did I hire you?”
    “Same reason everybody does. If there was a concerted frontal attack on you, we’d try to stop it. Those rarely happen. Mostly we’re a deterrent. The attackers or killers have to take us into account. What we’re really here for is to make the client feel more secure. You knew that when you hired me.”
    He didn’t have to say, “I told you so.” I remembered the earlier conversation when he’d explained the limits on what his firm could do.
    As we turned onto Michigan Avenue, I thought I’d try again. “What does it mean that they knew which car was his?”
    “You want a vast conspiracy or random chance?”
    “Neither. I want to go to sleep.”
    “Random chance happens more often than we care to admit. That’s why it’s called random chance.”
    “Is that supposed to be comforting? I think the bomb was meant for Tom and me, and I’m frightened. Can I walk outside of my home? Going with me to events is one thing. Having you around my every waking minute does not sound like the way I want to live. Do Tom and I need to keep you around forever?”
    “What did you think was going to happen after you became the most public gay figure in America?”
    “How could anyone have planned for that?” I sighed. “I expected to be a focal point, not a target.”
    “It’s not an easy reality to face. The more careful and more sensible take as many precautions as they can.”
    “I’m not sure if I’m careful or sensible at this point. Sometimes I think everybody is threatening me. This doesn’t make sense.”
    “What’s happened so far makes sense to someone who is probably certifiably insane. How you live your life in the face of that insanity is your choice. You can sit in your apartment and wait for the world to come to you, or you can make decisions and do something about it. You’ve been under threat since you announced you were going to pitch after coming out.”

6
     
    I will never forget pitching in that first game. The terror and joy of those moments is seared in my memory. The announcement of my impending mound appearance caused an immense sensation. I was to be the first athlete who was openly gay while still active in a major sport. Within fifteen minutes of the announcement that I would pitch,