Read Not Looking for Love: Episode 3 for Free Online Page A

back last night. He's laying all the way on his side of the bed, facing away from me with enough space between us for one more person. A small one, like Sarah.  
    The thought makes tears ball up in my dry throat, until all I want to do is lie back down and never wake up. Only I can't. This is my life now and will be forever.
    The space between us is colder than a block of ice, and I know there's a lot to get through, a lot to talk about and maybe nothing can ever be resolved, but I can fix the block of ice problem. I slide closer to Scott, making the bed wobble, which sends a sharp pain through my belly. He's sleeping in a t-shirt, which strains against the bulky muscles of his back, the blanket only covering his legs.
    I probably shouldn't, but I can't stop myself from running my hand down his bicep, feeling the hard groove along the side. His arm tenses as he pulls it away.
    "I don't want to touch," he mutters, his voice clear, but laced with sleep.
    I pull my hand away and lie back down, looking up at the ceiling, tears inching up from my throat. At least there's so little space between us now that I can feel his warmth, at least there's that.  
    "You mean never?" I whisper, because if I spoke any louder my voice would crack.
    He sighs and rolls over onto his back. The wobbling bed makes my belly throb. We're actually touching now, because his whole side is pressed against mine.
    I move closer still, but he throws the blanket off and gets up. He's wearing the same ratty pajamas he wore on the day I came here in just my underwear and a trench coat. Maybe that was the night Sarah came to be.
    "What do you want from me?" he asks, staring down at me, his eyes so light they're almost white.  
    I sit up and wrap the blanket around myself. "You keep asking me that, Scott, but—"  
    "It's because I really want to know," he interrupts. "You keep running away, and then coming back, and running away again, and it really can't go on."
    "I…I," I stammer, because there's so much I want to say, but he's looking at me with those scary white eyes, and I don't know if anything I have to say can make him not hate me, not think I'm crazy.
    "You what, Gail?" he says, his tone biting. "Was it so hard to call me back a month ago? Or even before you had an abortion? Because you sure called real fast when you needed something from me."
    "I'm sorry," I mutter. It's not even close to everything I should say, but the air in the room is crackling with his anger, and I have no excuse for acting like such a bitch.
    "Is that it? You're sorry? That's supposed to make everything alright?" He's yelling now, and I'm shaking because it doesn't matter what I say now or in what order. I fucked it all up already and nothing good will happen ever again.
    "I couldn't think, Scott, not at all. My mom just died, I had a ton of school stuff to get through, my dad's drinking too much, and everyone wants to make me feel better, but they can't because that's not how it works, I can't just feel better, my mom is dead." I climb off the bed, the adrenaline coursing through me dulling the pain in my stomach.  
    I stand right in front of him, craning up my neck so I can look in his eyes, which are slightly narrowed now like he's weary of me. "And then I'm pregnant, but I can't be a mom, not now when I just lost my own, and I'm a total mess who can't do anything but study and sleep, not even talk to my friends. But that means I have to kill my own daughter, go to a doctor so they can suck her out of me, and I can't tell anyone, because then everyone will know what a terrible person I am."
    His eyes are wide now, his lips slightly parted. My cheeks are burning, and I'm breathing hard, but I can't stop talking. "What do I want from you? You're the only person in the whole world who makes me feel like everything will be alright, like maybe I'm not going to be this totally messed-up monster forever. And I'm sorry for the way I pursued you, for the way I pushed you away,