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He admitted he was aware of his story-telling habit, and then began a story pertaining to this habit! I interrupted him, observing (good-naturedly) that he was doing it again. We ended our meeting developing ways for the staff to let their principal know, in a gentle way, when his stories weren’t appreciated.
     

Distinguishing Observations From Evaluations
    The following table distinguishes observations that are separate from evaluation from those that have evaluation mixed in.
    Communication
Example of observation with evaluation mixed in
Example of observation separate from evaluation
1. Use of verb to be without indication that the evaluator accepts responsibility for the evaluation
You are too generous.
When I see you give all your lunch money to others I think you being too generous.
2. Use of verbs with evaluative connotations
Doug procrastinates.
Doug only studies for exams the night before.
3. Implication that one’s inferences about another person’s thoughts, feelings, intentions, or desires are the only ones possible
She won’t get her work in.
I don’t think she’ll get her work in. or She said, “I won’t get my work in.”
4. Confusion of prediction with certainty
If you don’t eat balanced meals, your health will be impaired.
If you don’t eat balanced meals, I fear that your health may be impaired.
5. Failure to be specific about referents
Minorities don’t take care of their property.
I have not seen the minority family living at 1679 Ross shovel the snow on their sidewalk.
6. Use of words denoting ability without indicating that an evaluation is being made
Hank Smith is a poor soccer player.
Hank Smith has not scored a goal in 20 games.
7. Use of adverb and adjectives in ways that do not signify an evaluation has been made
Jim is ugly.
Jim’s looks don’t appeal to me.
    Note: The words always , never , ever , whenever , etc. express observations when used in the following ways:
Whenever I have observed Jack on the phone, he has spoken for at least 30 minutes.
I cannot recall your ever writing to me.
Sometimes such words are used as exaggerations, in which case observations and evaluations are being mixed:
You are always busy.
She is never there when she’s needed.
When these words are used as exaggerations, they often provoke defensiveness rather than compassion.
    Words like frequently and seldom can also contribute to confusing observation with evaluation.
    Evaluations
Observations
You seldom do what I want.
The last three times I initiated an activity, you said you didn’t want to do it.
He frequently comes over.
He comes over at least three times a week.
     

Summary
    The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation. When we combine observation with evaluation, others are apt to hear criticism and resist what we are saying. NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations. Instead, observations are to be made specific to time and context, e.g. “Hank Smith has not scored a goal in 20 games” rather than “Hank Smith is a poor soccer player.”
    NVC in Action
    “The most arrogant speaker we’ve ever had!”
    This dialogue occurred during a workshop I was conducting. About half an hour into my presentation, I paused to invite reactions from the participants. One of them raised a hand and declared, “You’re the most arrogant speaker we’ve ever had!”
    I have several options open to me when people address me this way. One option is to take the message personally; I know I’m doing this when I have a strong urge to either grovel, defend myself, or make excuses. Another option (for which I am well-rehearsed) is to attack the other person for what I perceive as their attack upon me. On this occasion, I chose a third option by focusing on what might be going on behind the man’s statement.
    MBR: (guessing at the observations he was making) Are you reacting to my having taken 30 straight minutes to present my views before giving you a