Read No One Wants You for Free Online

seemed to notice. I don’t think the nuns ever said anything to the local policeman, who would be called for truancy, as he didn’t try to catch me out. The parish priest did call in but all he said was that I should go to mass more often. I missed school terribly. But by then I lived in my own little world, isolated from other people, all emotions, all pain and all feelings. I accepted the sexual abuse as normal behaviour. I thought that I was being punished. I actually came to believe that I deserved it.

THREE
    Liberation
    I HAVE ALWAYS believed that after my years in hell, God came to my rescue.
    I was low, without solace, and I needed help from somewhere.
    The torture seemed like it would go on forever and I felt desperate. I believe that God made my foster-mother ill.
    One day she could not get out of bed. I was sent to get the local doctor to call and examine her. The doctor finally arrived and made a diagnosis. She was seriously ill. She was so ill that she had to be transferred to hospital immediately.
    As the doctor left the house he said that he would arrange for an ambulance to collect her. He told me to make arrangements to stay somewhere else. He suggested that I should stay with somebody who would be able to keep me for possibly a few weeks or months. He said that my foster-mother might be incapacitated and unable to care for a 12-year-old child. I remember thinking that if only he knew how much care she was capable of supplying for me.
    I thought I might have to go to one of my foster-mother’s sisters. She was called Nonie. I had visited her once before when I was about eight years old. They had something I had never seen in my foster-parents’ house – books. They had shelves and shelves of books. There was no reading material of any kind in my foster-parents’ house. I remember I was allowed to look at the books in Nonie’s house. That is all I wanted to do while I was there.
    I had spent very little time at school, but when I did manage to go I enjoyed reading lessons the best. I was very bad at spelling but I was able to follow the meaning of the words. I was also able to understand the story in a book, but with difficulty. I secretly hoped that I would go to stay with these people who had so many books. I thought that I would be able to read all the time.
    But in all the confusion of my foster-mother being taken away to hospital, no arrangements were made for me. Later that night, I was taken to the parish priest. I asked him not to send me back to that house and I told him why I was afraid to return. He seemed to ignore my complaints but he did take me some distance away to a family where I could stay, just for that night.
    I felt so relieved. I did not have to return to that dark, dismal house that night. I had been afraid that when I went back there all the usual men would call in. I felt a bit uncomfortable with the family but I thought if I helped with the work they wouldn’t send me home. When one of the sons asked me to go down the field with him to help with the pigs I got up immediately. I set off in front of him and I didn’t say a word on the way down. I was scared of him because he was so big and older than me. It was dark as we got further from the house. I couldn’t see the pig-shed but I knew we were nearly there. His hand pushed me from behind and I fell on the ground. He turned me over and pressed his hand into my tummy to stop me moving. He pulled my dress up and fumbled with my knickers, trying to get them off. I couldn’t move. I didn’t make a noise. I knew what was happening. He had piercing eyes. I froze as he glared down at me. He grunted and twisted and pushed himself inside me. I bit down on my lip so that I wouldn’t cry out with the pain. Then it was over and he rolled off me. I didn’t move. He got up, pulled his trousers up and was walking off when he turned and said, ‘You’re only 11 aren’t you? You can’t have babies yet?’ I was still lying on the