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Holy Joe. Whit d’ye expect but? Sometimes, in life, ye hiv tae play the Holy Joe. It’s part ae ye, like
it’s implanted in ye. It’s part ae ivry cunt.
    Ahm mixin ivrythin up in that nut ae mine. It’s as if whit happened wi Regula wis yistirday, an’ Uli an’ Marta wur theday. Ah dont know how masel. Ahm probably jist knackered,
wi aw they early rises.
    Wance ah get hame, ah take two paracetamol tae get in aheid ae any problem, an’ a gulp ae Veterano tae wash them doon. Ah kin jist aboot manage tae read ten or fifteen pages ae the book ah
borrowed fae the library last week. The letters start tae blur really nicely, gi’in the story ahm readin some atmosphere. Then ma heid gradually begins tae darken an’ ah plunge intae a
deep sleep.

6
    Ah dreamt that night ahd hid a guid warm kick.
    Wis jist a dream but. There’s nowt goin on. Ah kin pull masel thegither. If ah want tae. An’ ah dae want tae. Ah cannae even mind when ah last took summit. A lang time ago. We
stopped at the same time, actually, Uli an’ me. Guy wisnae in the best ae form at the time, that’s how he kidnae see it through. Course, ah feel sorry aboot that. Naw as if ah can
change it but.
    Ah dont know how ah aye hiv tae sneeze when ah arrive at this shitin print shop. Ivry mornin at five, soon as ah take the delivery forms aff the shelf, ah hiv tae sneeze. It’s
psychological, probably. Very probably. If ah wis tae stop an’ think aboot it, ahd probably take it as a sign an’ change joabs. It’s naw went that faur yet but. That ah see ma
sneezin as a higher power at work, ah mean, or think ahm on top ae things enough tae risk a change. Naw. Naw, ahm stayin put fur the minute. Ah’ll see how things go. Sooner or later, the
shit’ll hit the fan wan wey or the ither anyhoo. Ah know that. Know masel too well, so ah dae.
    It’s naw quite right, by the way, tae say there’s nowt goin on. Summit kid come alang an’ trip me up very easily. Like that summer we wur oan a school trip in the Ticino. Herr
Kiefer, oor teacher back then, tells us naw tae play wi the posties’ delivery carts staunin aroon the platform.
    An’ ah think tae masel: aha, so there’s summit cawed a delivery cart. Ah wunner whit ye kin get up tae wi wan ae them? They must hiv a brake somewhere. An’ ye must be able tae
release it. An’ sure enough: ah managed tae dae it. Course, there wisnae a happy endin. An insurance joab, in the end-up. Ma auld man wis still alive at the time. An’ fit an’
strong. Wis a bit fuckin o’er-the-top when ye think back. Aboot thirteen ye ur, an’ a form arrives fae the insurance together wi a letter fae yir registration teacher – an’
ye get such a fuckin hidin, ye end up naw knowin whit yir name is an’ whether ye ivver fuckin existed even.
    Ah dont want tae make a big fuss aboot it. Ah know masel ahm naw the only wan ivver tae get his arse warmed. It sucks but nanetheless. Specially when ye consider ma auld man widnae hiv hid the
strength a year or two later tae batter me like that. Cos ae his illness. The muscle thingy. He did hiv the strength at that point but – an’ lashed oot like a thresher in his heyday.
An’ if ye also consider ma auld man wis a total swine wi a hellish temper, it’s a miracle ahm as easy-goin as ah am these days, in terms ae temperament. Officially, ahm – at maist
–
verbally aggressive
. That’s whit the psychiatrist in the Joke concluded. An’ it’s true, that.
    Conspicuously verbally aggressive. Also unable to deal with conflict. Plus, a clear tendency to suppress problems. Physically inconspicuous.
    Ye kidnae invent that if ye wantit tae, kid ye? Yet guys like that kin fuckin slam it doon in a report wi’oot a moment’s hesitation, an’ then it depends oan that whether ye get
released early or naw. That’s naw fuck-aw either, if ye think aboot it.
    Sunday. In the book ahm readin at the minute, a couple ae mates hiv been gi’en two hooses. As a present, like. The mates