Read My Life and Other Stuff That Went Wrong for Free Online Page B

up to his armpits finishes the announcement and flicks off his headset microphone. He shouts at a kid who is wearing shoes on the giant inflatable shark.
    â€˜Dack!’ a voice screeches from high above us.
    My best friend Jack’s three-year-oldbrother, Barney, is at the top of the highest slippery dip, waving to us like a madman. Jack rolls his eyes, forces a smile, waves back.
    â€˜That kid is so annoying,’ Jack says.
    Barney squeals down the yellow slide into a pit of colourful balls and disappears. I secretly hope he might not resurface. But he does, bursting from the balls and smashing his head on another kid’s chin. The other kid starts bawling and pinches Barney on the neck.
    â€˜Happy birthday,’ I say, clinking milkshake glasses with Jack.
    He grunts.

    Jack’s mum had to work this morning so, even though it’s Jack’s birthday, she made us bring Barney to KidsWorld: a three-storey, pirate-themed indoor play centre. We have to keep him out till midday, and then we can go to the movies. That’s the deal. So Jack and I are crammed into the Jolly Roger Cafe with about fifty coffee-guzzling parents tapping madly on their phones.
    Up on the pirate ship dozens of crazy kids are firing cannons and climbing the tower that stretches all the way to the ceiling. Rain pounds the roof high above us. Happy pirate songs warble from giant speakers.
    â€˜I never want to have kids,’ Jack says, wiping milkshake from the corners of his mouth.
    â€˜Parents are so weird,’ I say. ‘Why do they do it to themselves?’
    â€˜Barney’s bad now, but pretty soon he’s going to be like us, and I definitely wouldn’twant to be our parents with all the weird stuff we do.’
    Barney pushes through the crowded cafe, red-faced, howling, snot cascading into his mouth.
    â€˜What’s wrong this time?’ Jack asks, slurping the last of his milkshake and looking at his watch. ‘Actually, don’t tell me. Ten to twelve. The movie starts in half an hour. We’re going.’
    Barney leans forward, opens his mouth and vomits on Jack. Bright-red creaming soda vomit. All down Jack’s white T-shirt and jeans.
    â€˜No!’ Barney screams. ‘Not go home!’
    Jack jumps up from the table.
    â€˜We have a vomiting incident at table sixteen,’ says the Very Large Man over the speakers. ‘Can I please have a pirate helper to swab the deck?’
    Every single person in the cafe turns in our direction. I hand Jack a wad of serviettes fromthe middle of the table. He dabs at his neck and T-shirt.
    â€˜Why did you just vomit on me, Barney?’ Jack says, barely containing his rage.
    â€˜BARNEY. NOT. GO. HOME!’
    â€˜I’m not asking about home . I’m asking about the vomit.’
    â€˜Barney says NO!’ He shakes a balled fist at Jack like he is about to punch him.
    A couple of mothers nearby try not to laugh.
    Jack throws the serviettes onto the table and grabs Barney by the hand.
    â€˜No, you big Boobyman!’ Barney shouts, stomping on Jack’s foot.
    Jack drags him out of the crowded cafe, squeezing through the maze of parents and prams.
    â€˜LET ME GO!’ Barney shouts.
    â€˜Don’t think so,’ Jack says. So Barney bites him on the hand. Hard.
    Jack screams. Barney bolts across the blue rubber mats. He throws himself at a rope ladder on the side of the pirate ship and scrambles up onto the deck, where he stops, wiggles his bottom at us, blows a big raspberry and races towards the climbing tower.
    Jack chases him up the ladder onto the ship. I follow. A whistle blows and there is a voice over the speakers. ‘Would you two scallywags please get OFF the ship!’
    The VLM (Very Large Man) is pointing at us.
    â€˜Jack!’ I say. ‘We’re not allowed.’
    But Jack keeps going.
    I look down at the VLM, shrug and follow Jack across the ship’s deck to the bottom of the tower. It soars