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important
thing," says Guy, "is that you've got the personality and the look. We've
done the hard work, what we need is someone to charm the investors and customers,
schmooze the media a bit. We'll brief you on the company and what we're doing. We'd
like you to be the face of 2cool2btrue.com."
      "2cool2btrue?"
      "dotcom," adds
Guy, helpfully.
      "It's a second generation
internet venture, learning from the mistakes of the first," says Piers.
      "Yeah, you said.
But what does it do exactly?"
      "Have you got a moment
now to talk about it? Shall we go for a drink somewhere?" says Guy.
     
    We find a quiet pub across the road and Piers buys three Cokes
while Guy begins their presentation. By this time I'm over the initial shock and
a bit more switched on. I decide to play devil's advocate a bit.
      "So what's different
about 2cool2btrue? I mean what's your unique selling point?" I ask.
      "I thought you'd
forgotten all your marketing stuff," says Piers, setting down the drinks. "USP's
already, I'm impressed."
      Guy ignores him and pauses
for thought for a moment. "Image is everything these days, isn't it?"
he begins, putting his hands together in a prayer position. "Labels, market
positioning, brands are what counts. No one, well hardly anyone, buys things today
because they need them or because they're the cheapest or whatever. They buy products
because of what is says about them. Look at advertising in the fifties and sixties
and even the seventies - it was all about things working better than their competitors
-"
      "Or being cheaper,"
interjects Piers.
      "Exactly, or being
cheaper, but no one really cares about that nowadays."
      "Mmm," I say:
it all makes sense to me but I decide to keep looking sceptical.
      "Now it's the label.
You buy Armani, Mercedes, Nike or Apple Mac or Smeg cookers or whatever, not because
they're better put together or they fit you, and certainly not because they're cheaper,
but because you want to be seen with them.
      "Take your trainers,"
says Piers.
      I look down quickly at
them.
      "What make are they?"
      "Nike," I say,
pretending to have to look.
      "But lots of other
people make them - why not George at Asda, for instance?"
      "What make of jeans
are those?" asks Guy.
      "Levis. Engineered."
      "Why not M&S?
Their jeans are just the same, only slightly cheaper."
      "Because you'd feel
like a middle-aged man."
      "What kind of car
do you drive?"
      "I don't - don't
need one."
      "Okay, your Dad.
Volvo? Audi?"
      "Not a good example,"
I say.
      "Oh, sorry, is he....?”
Guy asks, awkwardly.
      "Dead?" suggests
Piers, helpfully.
      "No, he's not, he's
alive, very alive. Too alive, if anything. Anyway, he drives a Porsche."
      "Ah ha," says
Guy. "Middlescent?"
      "Mm?"
      "Middle-aged man
trying to be an adolescent," he explains.
      "Sort of." I
groan at the thought of him.
      "Underwear?"
says Piers.
      I don't want really want
to think about my Dad in his underwear, actually, but Piers is off.
      "Armani pants are
really just like anyone else's - M&S or John Lewis - except that they say 'Armani'
on them. Or 2(x)ist if you're really cool. And, of course, only you know that when
you're wearing them, don't you?"
      "Yes," I say.
Because I do. Like now. Like Lauren says, always wear good underwear to a job -
don't want everyone to see your old grey Y fronts when you change your trousers.
      "So it's all about
the label, the image. Brand image is so important. Armani will not let just anyone
sell their underwear, for example. If you want them to supply you, they'll come
and inspect your shop to make sure that you're not some pile-it-high, sell-it-cheap
merchant in Leyton High Road."
      "Okay," says
Guy. "So you get the idea. At the beginning of the third millennium, the label
is what counts. Look," he points out the window at two black kids walking past.
"See that? 'Dolce & Gabbana' all over their T shirts. People don't even
want designs these days, the