arguments spilled into the front lawn. Leidy and I knew to listen for the words Are you fucking crazy, Lourdes? âwhich meant: time to go outside, get in the grass on our hands and knees, and look for Momâs wedding ring. They fought constantly, more so in the couple years leading up to that fall and mostly about Leidyâs pregnancy and her boyfriendâs refusal to marry herâthe exact inverse of the choice my dad had made when he got my mom pregnant. It shouldâve been a family disaster except that it coincided with me announcing that Iâd applied to out-of-state schools months earlier without their knowledge and would be leaving at the end of the summer. Which is why my father decided to leave, too: he no longer saw the point, he said, of being around women clearly set on behaving as if he hadnât stuck around in the first place.
The air conditioner kicked on, sending a buzz through the window trapping it in place. It jarred me to hear an AC in the winter, and the whole room, with me in it, seemed like a huge freaking mistake. I felt stupid for even wanting the attention I thought Iâd get by coming back. The processed air hit me and I shivered. If I was going to be invisible and miserable and cold, I couldâve stayed at school, saved myself the money. I kept unpacking my suitcase.
âWhy did you not tell me you were coming? Leidy said.
I shrugged. I said, I wanted it to be a surprise.
âSo nobody â like nobody here â knows you were doing this? Not even Omar?
âNo one, I said.
She sucked her teeth and stood up, a tiny tower of folded baby clothes in her hands. And youâre supposed to be the smart one? she said.
Her face suddenly next to mine at the dresser, I said, What the fuck is your problem?
âMomâs right, something couldâve happened to you and who wouldâve even known?
âOh come on.
âIâm just saying you shouldâve told me. I can keep a secret, okay? I mean, at least I wouldâve kept her away from the TV so she could enjoy how you showed up here. Now sheâs like all distracted .
I crammed my underwear into my half of the dresser drawer, then went back to my suitcase for more clothes.
âLook, maybe you know how to buy a plane ticket on a computer to go wherever, but that doesnât make you somebody that can just be all like whatever about it. Thatâs not what being independent means.
âOkay Leidy, I get it.
âIâm not trying to say anything, okay? I just get why Mamiâs pissed, because honestly, you had me you couldâve told, and for like a whole twenty-four hours no one knew where you were, and just because we didnât know that we didnât know doesnât mean itâs all fine now, okay?
âFine. God , I said.
I slammed the drawer shut. She opened it back up slowly and tucked the babyâs things next to mine.
âThatâs it, all right? Iâm not gonna say anything else about it. I just feel like somebody should say it, and itâs not gonna be Mami right now.
She stood by the dresser and raised a hand to her mouth, chipped away at her nail polish with her teeth.
I sat down on the sofa bed, my arms folded across my body. Beyond us, in the living room we could see if we poked our heads out from the bedroom door, the TV screamed with an interview of some government person saying Arielâs arrival could turn into a political issue, and our mother screamed back, Political issue? Is this guy serious? His mother is dead !
âFine, you know what? Iâm sorry Iâm here.
âItâs not like that, Leidy said. Donât be sorry. Iâm happy youâre home.
I thought then that sheâd sit next to me, but she stayed standing up, pulling another soft thing from the pile shrinking next to me, this time holding a onesie against her chest as she folded it in half, then in half again.
âI donât gotta work tomorrow,