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Blaine and Kyle, the drinks keep
coming, and the martinis are giving me a good buzz. After drink
number three, I notice Blaine’s arm sneak around and massage my
waist. Needless to say, I’m not that buzzed. I immediately move his
hand away and see the smile on his face turn into a frown. No
matter how fuzzy the alcohol is making me feel, it’s not enough to
want a one night stand right now; not with this guy
anyway.
    Nothing about Blaine interests me and
I find myself tuning him out and checking out the other guys at the
bar. A warm body finds the seat next to me and a musky aroma floats
in my direction. It smells familiar and I suddenly feel
nauseous.
    I anxiously turn to Fran. “I’ve got to
get out of here.” The smell is invading the void in my heart and a
longing is taking over, one that I can’t cope with because it just
hurts too much.
    “ What’s wrong?” A look of
concern crosses her face.
    What am I supposed to tell her? She’s
heard it all before…that every night when I close my eyes I see
Clark’s face, his smile, hear his voice…that I still smell his
musky scent…that sometimes I try with every bone in my body to
remember what it felt like to have his arms around me. She knows I
end up sobbing some nights because it’s getting harder and harder
to remember. I don’t want the memory; I want Clark. “I just need to
go, Fran.”
    “ Okay, then I’m coming with
you.”
    “ No, you stay and have fun.
I’ll see you at home later.”
    Fran puts her hands on her hips. “No
way. I’m coming, too.”
    “ Okay.”
    We say hurried goodbyes to Blaine and
Kyle and stumble towards the subway. Fran puts her arm around my
shoulder. “So, what happened in there?”
    I stop walking and look up to meet her
eyes, recognition hitting her immediately.
    “ Oh God, Gabby...Clark?
Again?”
    The combination of booze, anger, and
sadness slurs my speech, and I come back practically spitting on
her. “What the hhelll is that ssupposed to mean?!”
    “ You know what it fucking
means, Gabby. It’s been three years, and we’ve had this
conversation over two hundred times. You need to move
on!”
    “ I can’t help it! I loved
him so much, and I miss him. Every damn day…I miss him. I fffucking
hate love Fran, I just fffucking hate it. I hate the way it smells,
the way it tastes, the way it gives you those itchy little
goosebumps, the way people walk around with those ridiculous happy
smiles.” Falling to the ground, my knees scraping the pavement, I
wrap my arms around myself as new tears trickle down my
mascara-stained face. “You just don’t understand, Fran, it’s not
that easy!”
    “ The hell it isn’t!” Fran
bites back. “I was having a good time in there. I actually liked
Kyle and didn’t want to leave.” Her hands go to her hips, her jaw
working itself back and forth, face tense with anger. “You know
what, Gabby?! I’m getting tired of you acting like you’re the only
one who lost Clark. I lost him, too! I loved him, too!” A heavy sob
escapes her chest. “He was like a brother to me…” She looks down at
the ground for a minute before she makes her way back up to me. Her
eyes soften and her voice is raw with emotion. “I miss him, too,
Gabby…I miss him, too.”
    “ I’m sorry, Fran,” I
whisper. “I’m sorry for being so selfish.”
    Fran lowers herself to the pavement
next to me, taking a deep breath and bumping my shoulder hard. She
reaches under my arms and lifts me off the cement. “Come on, you
pain in my ass, let’s go home.”
    ***

 
     
    The
next morning I wake up with what feels like a hammer to the side of
my head. Remind me never to take Fran’s advice again. I practically
fall out of bed, holding my pounding brain in place, and make my
way to the bathroom to grab some Advil. I crack open the medicine
cabinet, take out what I hope will be my instant relief, then pull
apart an animal-themed Dixie Cup from the stack on the counter. I
fill it with tap water