Read Love... And Sleepless Nights MAY 2012 for Free Online

a father in a status update. You don’t actually have to communicate with any of them face-to-face or over the phone.
    Let’s face it, there are a limited number of people you actually care about enough to tell them the big news stories in your life.
    I feel no urge to tell Kathy Wilkins – a girl I got off with once at a school disco – that I’m going to be a dad. Nor do I feel it necessary to pick up the phone and call my cousin Alan, given that he lives in Canada, has questionable personal hygiene, and a disturbing tendency to marry women a lot (really, a lot ) younger than him. I occasionally check the
Montreal
online newspapers… you know, just in case.
     
    The first announcement came on Friday evening.
    We invited just about every friend we wanted to break the news to. Laura asked Tim and Dan along (we made sure to buy plenty of man-size tissues, because those boys can cry like an Oscar winning actress when they want to), as well as her best friend Melina, her ex-flatmate Charlie, and a few other randoms I frankly don’t get on well enough with to mention here in more detail.
    I elected to keep my guest list a little smaller, knowing full well that the gossip machine and Facebook would largely do most of the announcing for me.
    Still, Ryan would kill me if I didn’t tell him to his face, so I invite him - even if it does mean having to spend a couple of hours in Isobel’s company. I was hoping those two would have split months ago, but it appears true love blossoms in the strangest of relationships.
    I’m more than happy to invite Dave and Katherine, and even happier when they tell me Angela and Mitchell are out of the country skiing, so there’s no need to conveniently ‘forget’ to ask them along.
    Our guests have no idea why we’ve decided throw this little shindig, so Laura and I have twinkley little smiles on our faces for the first hour of the evening. There’s something quite excellent about sharing a secret no other bugger knows about.
    I can understand why people think spies are cool.
    At about
nine o’clock
, we both get up and shush everyone into silence.
    ‘Guys, we have an announcement to make,’ I say, taking a deep breath.
    ‘Oh God, you’re getting a divorce!’ squeals Tim.
    ‘What?’ I scowl. ‘What makes you say that?’
    Tim contrives to look extremely sheepish. ‘Oh, I don’t know. Little signs…’
    ‘Little signs? What bloody little signs ? There haven’t been any signs. We’re perfectly happ - ’
    ‘Jamie!’ Laura butts in before I can launch into a proper tirade. ‘We’re not getting a divorce Tim,’ she tells him.
    ‘Are you getting that sex change you’ve been on about?’ asks Ryan, sending Isobel into a fit of drunken cackling. I’m pretty sure she’s already polished off a whole bottle of chardonnay. The way she keeps shoving Ryan’s hand between her legs is a dead giveaway.
    ‘Very funny cock features,’ I retort with rapier-like wit.
    ‘Come on, tell us what it is,’ Dave shouts, earning a dig in the ribs from Katherine.
    I keep expecting one of them to guess what we’re about to say and ruin the surprise, but none of them have so far.
    I guess Laura and I have never given off the signals that we would even contemplate having kids, so why would any of them make that connection?
    I decide to concentrate on their faces as Laura gives them the big news to see what reactions it gets.
    Laura takes a deep breath. ‘I’m pregnant,’ she says matter-of-factly. ‘Nearly fifteen weeks.’
     
    Right then, here’s the scores on the doors:
    Tim and Dan: Pretty much what you’d expect. Two little high-pitched homosexual whoops, followed by furious hand flapping in front of faces.
    Dave and Katherine: Dave dumbfounded, jaw wide open. Katherine wide-eyed, but pleased.
    Melina: Delighted. Hands clapping and smiling broadly.
    Charlie: Somewhat confused. This is no surprise. Charlie is a lovely girl, but not over-blessed in the brains department.