to create that patty out of millet and wheat. Food is scarce. Asku has told me, through Noah, that the island is struggling. The population is dwindling. He and his wife are trying to have a baby, and canât. Asku is teaching me some of his native tongue while I teach him English. We start small and simple. I name an object, and then he does the same. He laughs when I say both the words he does, and the English versions. âBowl,â he repeats after me, and then bursts into giggles.
At night, Noah and I sit underneath the stars. Tonight is warm, and the moon is so full the beach is lit up. It reflects against the water until the entire ocean looks like liquid silver. Iâm stretched out in the sand, and Noah lies next to me. I can feel his breathing, catch the rise and fall of his chest. Weâre talking about family, and I ask about his parents. Heâs never told me before what really happened. Ed was the one who said Noahâs dad was drunk, that his parents swerved into oncoming traffic.
âI just remember being at Edâs,â he said. âAnd his parents telling me I couldnât go home.â
I flip up onto my elbow to face him. His blond hair has gotten longer since weâve been here and is now in even stronger contrast to the tribesmenâa difference made possible by his blond-haired, blue-eyed mother. âEveryone always said I took after her,â Noah told me last week. âIronic now, huh?â
âI donât remember it,â I say. âThe accident. I mean, we knew each other then.â
âWe were young,â he says. âTen. It was a long time ago.â
âYou never talk about it,â I say.
âI donât really know what to say. Sometimes I feel like I never even knew them.â
I think about my mom. How cancer made her different in the end. How it wasnât really her anymore. Itâs hard to remember what moments to hold on to. âI know,â I say.
Noah rolls over to face me. âItâs the past,â he says.
He holds my gaze and something passes between usâthe knowledge that heâs not talking about just our parents, but maybe everything. Our whole life might be there now, too. In the past. A place we can no longer get back to.
âEd would always tell me not to talk to you about it,â I say. âHe wanted to protect you.â
Noah smiles, but itâs small, sad. âHe was always doing that. Even when I didnât want it. He wanted to protect both of us. He thought he could.â
I nod. I think, again, about the fight I saw the two of them have, but before I can ask Noah about it, he reaches his hand across to my shoulder. My breathing stills. My whole body feels like itâs on red alert.
âCan I ask you something?â he says.
I swallow.
âWhy werenât you sitting with him?â
It takes a moment for me to realize that heâs talking about the plane. How Ed was up front, next to Maggie, and I wasnât with them. I flip onto my back. His hand falls. I look up at the stars. âWe got into a fight,â I say. As the words come out, I feel the familiar knot in my stomach, the one that winds like a rope all the way up to my heart. âIt was my fault.â
âWhat happened?â Noahâs voice is at my ear. Soft. Understanding.
âHe wantââ I catch myself, not sure which tense to use. âHe wants to go to the same school, and Iââ I exhale. I blink back tears. âI didnât want to talk about it then.â
I sit up. Sand pours off my back. âYou know Ed; heâs such a planner. He has everything figured out.â
Noah smiles. His blue eyes light up in the sand. âI know,â he says. âHe always goes after what he wants. Do you remember class president?â
I laugh, thinking about how Ed went after the leading office the second we got to high school. EDUCATION , as the flyers read. There was