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through on a daily basis. In reality, this letter, this choice—it’s the kindest gift I can give them.

 
     
    Dear Grayson,
    The darkest days of our lives can haunt us or they can mold us into a more resilient person. Our most defining moments were the times we fell, broke, gave in, and made grave mistakes. Life is one grand journey of highs and lows interlaced with regret, death, sorrow, love, happiness, and failure. Looking back, I can see the depths of a fiery Hell where I met face to face with soulless demons.
    Today I’m face to face with an old yet familiar demon. He’s closer to me than a lover or a friend. He knows me better than I know myself. This demon knows how to seduce me and prey on my weaknesses. His faceless and heartless hold on me is unyielding. It’s been a while since he visited. A little part of me always knew he’d come again. He’s visited me numerous times in my life. I remember them like numbers recorded in a dark vault nestled in the back corners of my mind. The reasons he came to me were all different, yet the same over the years. Each time he pushed. Each time I fell down. Each time I’ve gotten up…until now.
    Like waves, the memories flood my mind; so many days, moments and feelings crashing into one another. There’s so many.
    Number 1,789
    I’m in bed and keep thinking about how there’s no reason to wake up.
     
    Number 1,321
    I’m lonely. I wonder why I can’t seem to design a smile on my face for you the way you do for me. I yearn to feel whole and happy. Yearning turns into burning and I just want to be ashes.
     
    Number 963
    I want love. I believe I’ll never really have it, especially not from you. You’re too good for all of my bad.
     
    Number 719
    I’m tired. I’m always tired. Today, I’m really tired. I live in a heavy fog and it won’t stop following me. I don’t even know why…
     
    Number 450
    I’m fat on the outside, ugly on the inside. Clothes won’t fit my body. My feelings won’t fit into a box. I now look on the outside like I feel on the inside.
     
    Number 298
    You’re back again. You taunt me with soft words in my ear: “Jump.” Today it’s because I’m a terrible parent and awful person. I don’t deserve this role. I don’t deserve life.
     
    Number 111
    I don’t know why you came today. You’re uninvited. You always do that. I’m a junkie for your temptations and you show up hoping I’ll take that final step and fall for your low because you know it’s for a high; it’s for a goodbye.
     
    Number 84
    I hate me. I don’t think I’ll ever stop.
     
    Number 62
    It’s too hard, too much. The cloud is too heavy and dark today. She whispers to me, “Give up.”
     
    Number 41
    I’m invisible. I’m too visible.
     
    Number 23
    Where did you come from today? How do you creep in when I least expect you? What’s wrong with me?
     
    Number 10
    Stop. Go away. Not today.
     
    Number 4
    It’s just a phase. She will stop. She must.
     
    Number 1
    I want to die; no longer exist. I have no idea why I would think this way. This is the first time I’ve ever felt this heavy weight and pull toward such a dark place. I’ve never felt like this was the only option, until today. I hope I never have another day like this. I hope this demon I’m now facing never visits again.
     
    Fall down 1,789 times.
    Get up 1,789.
     
    Today I’ve fallen again.
    He’s back.
    I can’t get up this time.
     
    Number 1,790
    I’m sorry, Grayson. I’m sorry, Mom. I’m so, so sorry. My babies deserve better.
     
    Today I won’t get up.
    Today I say goodbye.
     
    Love,
    Riah

 

     
    I MASSAGE THE bridge of my nose briefly before reaching for the doorknob. She’s been sleeping in the spare bedroom off and on for weeks now. I hate how she closes herself off when she’s in one of her down times. I try to understand. I try to be supportive.
    I try and I fail.
    I let her sleep this morning. Mornings are the worst for her, so I get the kids ready when I can,