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add, through clenched teeth.
    “No we’re not.”
    I look at him, and he’s still attractive to me, but for the first time I realize that it infuriates me that he doesn’t get all worked up over me, that the lust he feels for me isn’t enough to make him nervously shake his knee.
    “And you think that that means something,” I guess. He never says that he wants to get divorced from this Amanda, or that we should hold off on the wedding until then. “And you want to go look for her” I say, more than anything for myself.
    “Yes.”
    A while later, the car that had started going again slows down, and I assume that we are getting close to our destination. I look out the window and I recognize the shape of my building. It comforts me. I just discovered that I was going to get married to a man I don’t love and who doesn’t love me…and I feel like being alone.
    “I’ll have to leave the country for a few days —he says to me suddenly— I’ll see to it that the press is informed.”
    I can’t be in this vehicle, not with him, not even a second longer. I can’t breathe.
    “Do whatever you want.”
    I notice the empty feeling growing inside me, eating me away. What the hell is happening to me? How is it possible that I have been with such a wonderful man for more than a year, and at the same time all of this matters so little to me? Could it be that I’m devoid of feelings, that I’m incapable of falling in love? And what about him? Why was he just going to settle for me? The pressure weighing down on my chest expands when I realize something even worse. Why hadn’t Tim fallen in love with me? Why hadn’t I fallen in love with him?
    I fumble around with the door handle and start to open the door, but Tim grabs my forearm.
    “Susan?”
    I slowly turn around, but say nothing. I don’t want to cry in front of him. I’m sure he’d try to make me feel better and it would be much more humiliating.
    “I’m sorry —he caresses my arm slowly— I would have tried to make you happy.”
    “Don’t be so sure,” I answer furiously, and I notice that he looks at me surprised.
    “You haven’t asked me to come with you, nor have you suggested that we postpone the wedding.” I let out a sarcastic laugh. “And you know what? I would have, because I’m stupid like that.”
    “You’re not stupid, Susan.”
    “Call it whatever you want, Tim, but when you saw that message it took you half an hour to break up with me and call off the wedding.” I hold on to the door handle strongly. “So don’t be so sure that you would have tried to make me happy, because I’m not happy.”
    “You deserve someone who will try.”
    Oh no, I’m not going to put up with his pity.
    I slap him. I feel better.
    I don’t wait for him to say anything else. I open the door and take off running.
    Despite what I said, and the slap in the face, I know Tim would have tried to make our marriage work, and he probably would have been successful for a while. But would that have been enough for any of us?
    Would I have realized one day that we weren’t truly in love?
    I get in the elevator and cry all the way up to my house. I open the door frantically and throw my jacket on the floor.
    My stupid dress doesn’t help at all. I just got dumped dressing the sexiest dress of my wardrobe. And the most expensive one. I smile between tears and take it off furiously to get in the shower.
    The water mixes with my tears, and I keep telling myself that it’s better this way. Tim and I are so proper that we would have spent our whole lives together unhappily married.
    And I don’t want that.
    I want a man who I can trust, but at the same time a man who is passionately in love with me.
    I want a man who is capable of canceling a wedding two months beforehand to be with the woman he loves, but I want to be that woman for a change.
    How absurd. I’m not capable of stirring up that kind of passion.
    At this point, I should have already been able to