Read Jaine Austen 8 - Killer Cruise for Free Online

allowed on board ship,” he said, his brown eyes cold as a calculator.
    Damn. It looked like the little stoolie was going to turn her in.
    “But Samoa won’t tell.”
    “You won’t?”
    A ray of hope began to shine in my heart.
    “On one condition,” he added, that sly smile back in action.
    I certainly hope he didn’t expect any dipsy doodle. I love my cat, but there are limits, you know.
    But he was not about to ask for sexual favors.
    “You famous writer, right?”
    “I’m not actually famous,” I demurred, “although I am the proud recipient of the Los Angeles Plumbers Association’s Golden Plunger Award .”
    He nodded, impressed. Which, I have to confess, is a reaction I don’t get very often.
    “You fix Samoa’s book.”
    He looked down at the floor, and for the first time I noticed a huge pile of paper at his feet.
    Dumping Prozac from his lap, he reached down and handed me what turned out to be nine hundred manuscript pages. All handwritten in a microscopic scrawl.
    Oh, lord. He wanted me to edit his manuscript.
    “Do not disturb,” he intoned with great solemnity.
    Huh? Did he want me to edit his book or not?
    Then I realized that was the title of his book: Do Not Disturb (spelled Do Not Distub ).
    He then proceeded to give me the highlights of the plot, a stirring opus of a swashbuckling steward who (in between changing bed linens) manages to foil an international terrorist plot on the high seas.
    “Best seller,” he nodded proudly.
    Oh, yeah? In what universe?
    “But Samoa’s English not so good.”
    Tell me something I didn’t already know.
    “You fix for me.”
    I eyed the massive pile of handwritten pages. Yikes. This stuff made the Rosetta stone look like Fun with Dick and Jane .
    “You fix by end of cruise.”
    “You’ve got to be kidding.”
    Sad to say, he was quite serious.
    “You fix by end of cruise, or kitty goes to jail.”
    “Okay, okay,” I sighed, kissing my relaxing vacation bye-bye.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL

To: Jaineausten
From: Shoptillyoudrop
Subject: What a Day!

Jaine, honey, what a day it’s been. All I can say is, I refuse to fly with your father ever again. He spent the entire trip following the flight on his TV screen, convinced the captain was going the wrong way. Talk about your backseat pilots. He kept shouting things like, “Turn left at Amarillo! Left, dummy! Left!” Finally, the flight attendant asked him to lower his voice; said he was disturbing rows 14–27. Honestly, sweetheart, I was counting the seconds till we landed.

And then, when we got to your apartment, we got the fright of our lives. The key was just where you left it under the flowerpot, but your darling cat, Zoloft, was nowhere to be found!

Daddy was convinced somebody had broken into your apartment and stolen her. Which was ridiculous, of course, since all the windows were locked.

I thought maybe she was hiding. Or that she’d squeezed out through your mail slot and was roaming the city, lost and afraid. Cats have been known to squeeze through extremely small places. Why, just the other day on America’s Funniest Home Videos I saw a cat who squeezed through a downspout. True, the cat got stuck in the downspout, which is why they sent in the video in the first place. But the point is, I was certain no one had broken into your apartment.

But you know how Daddy is. The next thing I knew he was calling the police and reporting a burglary!

Two of the nicest officers came by. Of course they said what I said all along, that there was no sign of forced entry. And even though they tried to hide it, I could tell they were peeved at Daddy for wasting their time.

Then just as they were driving away, your neighbor Lance showed up and told us that Zoloft was with you on the cruise. I had no idea you were allowed to bring pets on a cruise. Why didn’t you tell us you were taking her, darling?

Lance was so sweet. He could see how upset we were, so he had us over to his apartment for cocoa and