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started across the Alps, and the exact second Caesar wet his feet in the Rubicon. As a result, we have been able to come up with the most favorable moment to begin any attack. The moment, gentlemen, that absolutely guarantees victory in the field.”
    “And when is that?” the generals asked, enormously impressed.
    “It is our considered opinion that we should attack somewhere between the first light of dawn and midnight. Why don’t we toss a coin?”
    “We attack at the first light of dawn,” the generals insisted.
    “C-c-c-couldn’t we wait for the second light?” Perry Pleaser asked.
    Y-y-yes, said the yes men, and y-y-yes, said the yes women, too.
    “As you wish, but then Canada expects every man to do his duty.”
    “I-I-I have to go to the toilet right away,” Perry Pleaser said.

CHAPTER 15
    hat night it began to rain, which did nothing to improve the spirits of either Dippy or Jacob Two-Two, both of whom were feeling frightened and irritated. So close to their destination, but not safe yet. Far from it. “At least,” Jacob Two-Two said, “we haven’t far to go. We’re almost in B.C.”
    “You sound like you’ll be glad to be rid of me.”
    “That’s not true, but I do miss home …”
    “My home,” Dippy said, “will be in distant mountain ranges not yet ruined by man. There I’ll find my mate and raise a
Diplodocus
family. We’re caring, family-type creatures, you know.”
    “Sure, Dippy. Whatever you say.”
    “So why do they want to hunt me down and pulverize me?”
    “Let’s face it, some people find you kind of scary.”
    “Me?” he protested. “I’m a vegetarian. Well, for the most part. I do find garlic sausage yummy. But I’m a law-abiding citizen. In more than sixty-five million years I’ve never even had a ticket for jaywalking.”
    “Okay, okay. You’re perfect.”
    “I never said that. But people – bah! You’ve only been around for three million years or so and you’ve already made a garbage dump out of the earth. When we were lords of the planet there were no factories belching stinky fumes into the air or spilling nasty chemicals into the rivers and oceans. We kept the earth squeaky clean.”
    “Yeah, sure. But there were also no airplanes or hospitals or TV or books or baseball or glee clubs. Admit it, Dippy, in all your millions of years on earth you guys didn’t even invent the wheel. Or chopped chicken liver.”
    “Hey, how about another batch of pizza. I’m hungry.”
    “You’re always hungry.”
    “Look here, Jacob, if you think I’m so dumb or difficult, you can head home right now. I can make it the rest of the way into B.C. myself.”
    “Oh, yeah,” Jacob Two-Two said, his eyes filling with tears, “I bet you’d get lost without me.”
    “Like heck I would,” Dippy said, starting to cry himself.
    “I don’t want to quarrel. Let’s go to sleep, Dippy.”
    “You need a lot more sleep than I do. I could make better time without you.”
    “Is that how you really feel?” Jacob Two-Two asked. “Yes,” Dippy said.
    “All right, then,” Jacob Two-Two said, beginning to pack his things. “I’ll leave right now.”
    “See if I care,” Dippy said.
    But as he watched Jacob Two-Two trudge off into the dark and rainy and thundering night, Dippy was weeping buckets.
Good-bye, old friend
, he thought.
Good-bye and good luck. Maybe someday you’ll understand that I knew the enemy was approaching with their tanks and heat-seeking missiles and bombers, and that I couldn’t bear to have you around once the final battle began
.

CHAPTER 16
    tumbling down a hill in the first light of dawn, the straps of his backpack biting into his shoulders, Jacob Two-Two ran into a small figure carrying a white flag and a suitcase. It was Professor Wacko Kilowatt.
    “Hi there, Jakey-baby. How good to see you.” “I’ll bet,” Jacob Two-Two said. “I’ll bet.”
    “We’ve got to talk fast, kiddo. Perry P. and his dragon-slaying unit are only a couple of